It’s good to talk…

Comparison is the thief of joy and it’s little wonder it all gets a bit too much for some.
Every day we’re bombarded with messages, subliminal or otherwise, about what it is to be a legitimate success in this fast-paced world of ours.

In most instances, there’s a product to be sold. And in the case of social media platforms with which most endure a Marmite relationship – we are the product.

Unscrupulous global corporations sell what for most is an unattainable dream – capitalism by its very nature churns out its winners and its losers – and there are those who feed off the pretence.

Young, conflicted men, for whom there is no obvious handbook, may turn to used car salesmen types like Andrew Tate – the controversial online polemicist who sells a vision of luxury vehicles and glamorous (and pliant) women to his millions of followers across the world. The lurid reality behind the slickly produced and meticulously scripted online content is that Tate is currently under house arrest in Romania having been charged with a whole host of serious allegations, including human trafficking and rape.

Other men may simply suffer in silence, embarrassed to open up to their friends and family about their inner struggles – and that sense of reticence may explain, at least in part, why there’s a consistent trend that three-quarters of suicide victims are male.

There are no easy solutions and it certainly doesn’t help matters that mental health services have been gutted across the board by a succession of Tory governments, but the least we can do as individuals is open ourselves up to the idea that it’s good to talk.

Personal trainer Pauric Grimes – from Beragh originally before settling in Augher – doesn’t need convincing. Describing himself as one of life’s ‘open books’, he’s a loquacious and thoughtful sort who established a podcast two years ago with his friend Niall Hollywood.

Entitled ‘Are You Well’, there have been nearly 120 episodes of the podcast at this stage. No topics are off-limits but there’s a particularly pronounced focus on mental health matters so they figured it would make sense to do something special in tandem with Men’s Health Awareness Month (November, for the uninitiated).

So, to that end, they’re dragging their podcast from out of the studio and on to the stage with a live version of ‘Are You Well’ on the evening of Friday, November 1, hosted by Richard Donnelly’s Natur & Co on the Killyclogher Road. There’ll be plenty of chat about healthy communication and what it means to be a man and all that stuff, but the mission statement, as it were, is making incremental steps toward reducing the stigma surrounding mental health.

Pauric, who is Head Coach at Level Up Home of Coaching in Augher, said, “Our podcast is primarily aimed at people in the same stage of life as us, people in that 30-50 bracket, who have maybe stopped playing competitive sports and their social circle shrinks unless a concerted effort is made to go out there and make friendships and be part of communities.

“All we’re trying to do is normalise a conversation around general health and wellbeing, be it mental or physical. Myself and Niall come from a fitness background, and we’re well aware that our area of expertise is more so physical health, but we see it, day in, day out, that when you’re physically in a better place, good mental and emotional health tends to follow suit. The converse of that is that, when you’re feeling emotionally wrung out, your physical health tends to suffer as well.”

Pauric says he’s fortunate enough that he’s never been beset by serious mental health issues, though no-one is completely immune and he found it personally very challenging when his gym was closed for a prolonged period at the height of the Covid-19 pandemic. He’s a fully signed-up subscriber to the importance of talking things out – but knows it can’t solve everything.

“The only time I felt particularly challenged was over Covid with the gym closing down, but I’ve never had counselling or therapy, nor have I ever felt the need to.

“On the flipside of that, I’ve always been a fairly open book and have been happy to talk about things, and maybe that’s a reason why I’ve never felt the need or got to a point where I thought I had to get help.

“My thinking on it is that the more you’re willing to speak up and be proactive, the less likelihood that you’re ever going to need serious medical intervention or help.”

Touching upon the aforementioned suicide rates among men, Pauric added, “When things are getting to that point, it’s well beyond what we’re trying to help with. What we’re trying to do is create a place where there’s an energy or vibe that means you won’t allow things to fester too much – that as soon as a dark thought or heavy feeling comes to mind, you’ll feel like you’ve got people to talk to, as you’ve been working on those skills and surrounding yourself with people you feel comfortable talking to.

“That’s something we talk about – the importance of having a diverse friendship group goes a long way. You have your football friends, your gym friends, your work friends and your family and not all of them are appropriate people to tell all your woes to. Some people just aren’t equipped to deal with that, but unless you strike up these different conversations across your different friendship groups, you won’t be able to find the ones you can turn to during those challenging periods.”

Pauric says that good mental health isn’t a matter of checklists. Botoxed and teeth-whitened lifestyle gurus – commonplace online – deliver a reductive message that life can be packaged into a neat little box: get up at the crack of dawn, update your sleep diary, prepare your daily breakfast smoothie etc! But that’s just not life.

“Life’s multi-faceted, you’re spinning 100 different plates and I think as you get older you realise you can’t be everything to everybody. Once you can compartmentalise who you are to the different people in your life and their expectations of you, and even your expectations of yourself, it releases the pressure value of the heaviness that’s been building because you’ve been taking it from all angles.

“It helps a lot to be able to zoom out a bit and accept that ‘right, your expectation is that we chat about such and such, and you don’t need anything else’.

“I go downstairs to look after the kids and bring Caleb off to piano lessons and that’s what they need right now, and then I’m heading into the gym to coach people. They don’t need me to bring them to piano lessons. Every interaction you have is specific to the person that you’re dealing with, and you don’t need to be everything to that person.

“You just have to understand what that relationship is and knowing how to fulfil the different roles in your life. You don’t need to get up at five in the morning and go for a ten-mile jog, that isn’t the key at all, the key is understanding who you are.”

With all proceeds going towards Movember and Men’s Health Awareness month, Pauric and Niall have enlisted a number of guest speakers on the night. Lisa McFarland, founder of Relationship Coaching NI, will focus on the importance of healthy communication while Gerry Madden, leader of Omagh Men’s Support Group, will discuss the epidemic of male loneliness and making and maintaining friendships.

And on that knotty theme of masculinity and all it entails, Pauric is scathing of the Andrew Tates of this world, but emphasises that there’s good to be found in traditional concepts of manhood.

“There’s positives and negatives to everything in life, it’s what you take from it, but the likes of Tate are monetizing and preying on people who have no real aspirational figures. They see these guys with their money and women and think that’s the way to do it, but it’s completely unhealthy and taking advantage of people who haven’t grown into themselves yet.

“At the same time, I’m not a fan of the term toxic masculinity in the sense that it paints masculinity with broad brushstrokes.

“It gives off the impression that there’s no real net positive and that’s not the case – it’s good to be a gentleman type with a moral compass, who fulfills certain roles. Toxic masculinity is an easy label to attach to men as a whole and I don’t think that’s at all helpful. If you’re a man and you can’t be masculine then what can you be?

“It’s a very difficult subject and I think that’s why myself and Niall talk about these things – because sometimes you get the impression that nobody knows whether they’re coming or going.”

l For more information on the event, search for the ‘Are You Well Live’ section on www.eventbrite.com