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Day 1… 6 weeks… that’s how long this home schooling craic has been going on and I can hand on heart say that the children actually know less now than they did at the start.
It’s not like I haven’t tried, god knows I have. I have pencils (the good black and yellow ones), I got folders, I colour coordinated the folders, I got sharpeners, I even got highlighters and a 4 colour clicky pen and still they look at me with nothing behind the eyes and even less between the ears.
I mean if you can’t learn when you have highlighters I’m not sure you’re ever going to!!
The topic this week is money!! Turns out they don’t have an actual clue 
How can you not learn money? What’s 2p plus 1p? … mmm it’s 9p … no no it isn’t 9p!! What’s 2 plus 1? .. it’s 3 … yes good so what’s 2p plus 1p ?… 9p …
How can you not learn money? What’s 2p plus 1p? … mmm it’s 9p … no no it isn’t 9p!! What’s 2 plus 1? .. it’s 3 … yes good so what’s 2p plus 1p ?… 9p …How can that happen to someone? How? The pure fear of where their future is heading has set in. I think it’s fair to say it’s unlikely to be in accounting .
4 days to mid term and counting … feeling sad that it seems I’m the only one in this house capable of doing so 
Day 2 … My actual search history…
- How many sides has a pentagon
- How many sides has a hexagon
- What the hell is a parallelogram
- What is an isosceles triangle
- What is a scalene triangle
- Why are there so many different types of triangle
- What job do you need to know all the triangles for
- What’s Peter Weirs number..
- Are boarding schools kept open if there is a pandemic
- Can track and trace phone you and tell you to isolate because your head is wrecked with the children
- What can I do to make the Daddy stop talking that’s not illegal
- How long do you go to prison for if you throw a book at someone
- Why did they change they way to work out sums
- My child can’t remember things I’ve just told him what can I do
- Is your mother legally required to take your children if you give them to her
- Why can’t husbands find any of their stuff
- Top 10 cocktails to make at home
Day 3… It’s Biff’s birthday in June. Biff is planning his birthday since the day after his last birthday. Biff thinks he is a Kardashian with the list of presents he wants. Chip is winding Biff up all day. Chip likes to make Biff sound like he is possessed. Mummy told Chip if he so much as looks at Biff for the rest of the evening she will put his Xbox on buy and sell. Kipper is tired. Kipper is grumpy. Kipper thinks nothing is her fault even if it is in actual fact her fault. Kipper said she can’t wait until she goes to uni because then she will have a house of her own. Mummy told Kipper she might want to consider doing some on-line learning and putting her phone down if that was her plan because mummy is pretty sure in the history of GCSEs, TikTok videos and SnapChat filters have never been high scoring questions! Kipper slammed her door and rolled her eyes.
Day 4… Bit of a nose bleed today, oh the drama He had the actual cheek to be shocked at this turn of events, what did he think was gonna happen when he’s spent the last 6 weeks trying to insert the contents of his pencil case up there 
He had the actual cheek to be shocked at this turn of events, what did he think was gonna happen when he’s spent the last 6 weeks trying to insert the contents of his pencil case up there I think we all need to take a minute and be thankful phones have calculators. It’s seriously looking like the children will need this a lot. I’m really not getting this whole shape thing, I mean yeah I know my shapes of course I do, I’ve Google, but why is there one of everything like a square is a square, grand job, a rectangle is a rectangle, happy days. But no that’s not enough for the triangle! Like who do triangles think they are? They fall on its side and boom, it has a new name… absolutely no need for this!
Day 5… Fun Friday and what a Friday it is. We have spent the week studying poetry. Heres a little one I wrote to celebrate mid term 
Twas the night before mid term and all through the house Mummy was hiding from her children and spouseShe sat in the hotpress alone with her glassThankful tomorrow would be their last classThe glasses were lined up the bottle was chillingMummy was ready her headache was killingSoon all the children would be snug in their bed shouting for drinks and books to be readuntil then she would waitShe’d sit and she’d think and while she was at it she would have a wee drinkThen from outside the door arose such a clatterMummy then shouted what the hell is the matterThe daddy replied I can’t find my stuff, Mummy just rolled her eyes because she’s had enough
For 6 weeks she battled, god knows how she tried, she’d huffed and she’d puffed and oh how she’d criedNights lying awake filled with the fearThoughts of an email to minister WeirMummys not a real teacher she feels like an imposter, if things don’t change soon she’ll ring Arlene FosterBut as the children lay sleeping Mummy kissed them goodnight, one of them stirred giving mummy a frightShe needed an hour to sit on her ownTo fill up her glass and scroll through her phoneThen mummy she smiled as she thought of the day the children hadn’t done work but that was ok because mummy had realised these times were so tough and just being there for now was enoughThe schools would re open they would all find their way, they would try not to worry and take day by dayThe stress of the home school and lockdown would pass the children would all return to their classFamilies would gather as they had done before, time spent laughing with loved onesI want nothing more
For now all the books will be put away Mummy will chill and the children will playThey are not always easy and man they are loudbut there isn’t a day they don’t make Mummy proudThe children are legends and Mummy just knewthey would be a success at whatever they dohaving realised all thatMummy still knows they’ll fightso happy midterm to all and to all a good night …
Emma x
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