Cummings and goings – At Home

I don’t know about you, dear reader, but when all this Partygate nonsense is sorted out one way or another, I can’t wait to see the back of Boris Johnson – mainly because I want to see how many knives Dominic Cummings has managed to stick there.

Mr Cummings might well have one of those faces your granny wouldn’t get fed up punching but Boris is on another level when it comes to repugnance. Even the fact that he’s currently hanging onto the Tory leadership by his fingertips (I’m writing this on Thursday so God knows what happened over the weekend), somehow offends me.

However, I have to hand it to Cummings: The PM’s former chief advisor is orchestrating a scintillating campaign of pure black hatred against his one-time boss, drip-feeding the media tit-bits of information about birthday parties and drinks and more parties– and just at the perfect moment when the latest storm appears to have blown over.

To think that this is the man who was once stupid enough to have suggested he went driving so as to test his eyesight; Cummings has come full circle since his dismissal just over a year ago and has morphed into a one-man, revengeful, wrecking ball for Boris’s political career.

Make no mistake, Cummings is the man behind all of these political scandals. Of course he is. Just look at him. The man hasn’t had a pure thought in his life and since receiving his P45 from Boris, he can’t help himself but exact revenge. He was hardly a paradigm of social conscience before all this. Don’t forget he advised the Buffoon before he hated him and before that he advised the only man in the Tory party with fewer morals than Boris, none other than Michael ‘I’ve Got One of Those Faces Too’ Gove.

If Boris finally topples, whether he’s ousted by his own party or whether he finally throws in the sweaty towel and waddles away from the mess he helped make, it won’t have been Labour or the media or the 1922 Committee that made the last cut, it will have been Cummings.

As I’ve said, it’s Thursday now and as yet Sue Gray’s report has yet to be revealed. But what are the bets whatever comes out of that report (Boris broke the rules / didn’t break the rules / is responsible for the parties and what happened at Number 10 / isn’t responsible for the parties and what happened at Number 10), Dominic Conniving Cummings is able to put yet another spin on things so as to make Boris look like an even bigger buffoon than before. Perhaps one of his many kids will crawl out of the woodwork to claim, ‘Daddy’ attended yet another party with ‘Mummy’ when the country was in lockdown and under curfew.

Even now Cummings is probably sitting in his attic at home sticking pins into a wild-haired, fat doll with piggy eyes. When he’s wronged, he’s is like the Incredible Hulk but instead of going green and smashing stuff up, he goes paler and balder and then destroys his victims with a thousand public cuts.

Don’t make him angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. Actually, you probably wouldn’t like him when he’s not angry.

Meanwhile, there’s probably a rectangular thing in the corner of your room. You may or may not like to switch it on.

First up, The Great Cookbook Challenge with Jamie Oliver (Monday at 8pm on Channel4)…

Jamie Oliver leads the quest to find the next big name in cookery, as foodies from all walks of life pitch compete for the chance to publish their own cookbook.

The contestants must pitch their ideas and serve their signature dishes to Louise Moore, MD of Penguin Michael Joseph, food critic Jimi Famurewa and cookbook author Georgina Hayden, with the eventual winner being awarded their very own publishing deal. The first six cooks nervously await their turn to prepare a dish that best explains the concept and appeal of their potential book idea.

Alternatively (and lastly – pickings are slim this week), Misha and the Wolves shows Wednesday at 10pm on BBC4.

When she was seven, Misha Defonseca escaped the Nazis, crossed Europe on foot, lived with wolves and endured unimaginable hardship in search of her deported parents. Her Holocaust memoir took the world by storm and a Hollywood studio came knocking. However, a fallout with her publisher who turned detective, revealed Misha’s story as an audacious deception created to hide an even darker truth.

I wonder if she’s related to Dominic Cummings.