Johnny b goode – At Home

Are you tuning into this whole Johnny Depp v Amber Heard fiasco? As a man I know would say, “see-like-there, it sounds like a wile hanlin altogether.”

Of course, speaking from this little cosseted corner of creation, it’s difficult to grasp a firm handle of what is actually going on. There are claims and counter claims, allegations and denials and various suggestions about what the dirt was that ended up in Johnny’s bed.

If I have at least a loose idea of what is happening it’s this: Johnny Depp is suing Amber Heard for $50million because she claimed she was a victim of abuse at his hand while Amber is counter-suing Johnny for $100million because he smeared her reputation by calling her a liar.

However, as serious as this situation is – no-one wants to see neither Amber nor Johnny get a clip round the ear – it seems to me that this fiasco shouldn’t be taking place in a public forum in the first place. But due to the actors’ profiles (and Johnny’s in particular), the eyes of the world are on them and in all honesty, no-one is coming out of this smelling of roses (Johnny’s bed in particular).

Couldn’t this have been done behind closed doors? Do we really need to know the gritty dealings that go on between celebrities taking drugs and getting wasted? Aren’t there more important things going on in the world?

Last week my daughter asked me if I thought that Johnny Depp was a good man. I countered with, “Have you got your home-work done?”

Even though this man has been a near constant feature of my entertainment life so far (A Nightmare on ElmStreet in 1984 being the first film), I have no idea if he’a good man or not. Nor do I know Amber Heard in any capacity whatsoever. And nor do I want to. I like my duvets cotton fresh, thank you very much.

It seems to me that this court case is another example of the cult of celebrity taking over. But as handsome and beautiful as these people are, if they weren’t celebrities, we wouldn’t give a fiddler’s who
shat in whose bed or who passed out face down after a heavy night on the tiles.

If Johnny Depp was from Gortin and Amber Heard was from Fintona and they weren’t A-listers toiling in Tinseltown, we simply wouldn’t care. And conversely and in fact, if they were from Gortin and Fintona they would be actively told to shut their mouths and go home.

Imagine for a moment that an altercation between Gortin’s Depp and Fintona’s Heard – full of claims and allegations – played out in a pub in Castlederg.

Picture the scene: Both Johnny and Amber have had one too many, both want the same high stool in the spotlight and both are eye-balling the other across the bar.

“You were always goin’ aff the head about somethin,” Amber snarls at Johnny over her vodka and coke.

“I was hung-over, jist,” Johnny grumps. “Leave me alone, woman, would ye? Jesus, you’ve a wile mouth on ye.”

“Don’t talk to me about mouths! The number of times you used the back o your han’ on my mouth…”

“Wan time! Wan time!” Johnny throws up his hands. “It was only the wan time after you tuk a dump in the double bed. And me had the ‘lectric blanket on and evahin.”

A communal gasp runs around the bar.

“It’s true!” Johnny cries. “I loved her so much and then she dis that to me.” In a softer voice, he asks the barmaid, “Gone givus a packet of Scampi Fries and anoller pint of Smithwick’s, there Sharon, would ye?”

“Give him nuhin!” Amber shouts, before taking a swig on her vodka and coke. “Give him feck all. The durty baxter, that he is. I know for a fat fact that he doesn’t wash them hands after doing a pee.”

“Right, sir!” Sharon the barmaid says firmly. “Yous two,” she points a finger at Johnny and then Amber. “Out yous go. We don’t like that kinda chat about here. Out yous go and don’t come back. Yous are both barred.”

And that would be that. There might be criminal charges if one or both parties went to police and we likely wouldn’t hear another word about it. We certainly wouldn’t be exposed to a daily washing of some (very) dirty linen in public and we could, in all peacefulness, get on with the rest of our lives.

This week’s recommendations are included in the captions of the pictures.

Right, I’m away to check the duvet.