You’re a loser, baby – At Home

“I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?” Beck. Do pubs still have jukeboxes? It’s been such a long time, what with the pandemic, weans and the ageing process in general, I honestly couldn’t tell you if jukeboxes are still a thing. I remember they used to exist – oh yes – they used to be. Dangerous things, jukeboxes.

Back in the olden days – circa 1997 – there was jukebox in the watering hole I used to frequent and it shames me to recall how much money I pumped into that thing. A big cabinet of a contraption on the wall opposite the bar in the Students’ Union, it had everything. From Marvin Gaye to Metallica, from De La Soul to Del Amitri, from Dolly Parton to Nine Inch Nails – it had everything – and the thing never cooled.

As with all jukeboxes though, for every good song it contained, it had ten songs that you wouldn’t play to your dog if you were drunk, or he was deaf – or both those situations arose.

As I say, this thing never cooled and there was usually a steady stream of baggy-jeaned, lank-haired students stinking of CK One (girls and boys) willing to squander their student loans ahead of the cheap pints and the obligatory Scampi and/or Bacon Fries the choice of which dependent on whether or not there would be shiftin’ later in the evening.

Usually, the music playing what something fairly current, Britpoppy or Grunge-y, although there was always someone throwing in a classic curveball like ‘She Sells Sanctuary’ or ‘Hotel California’ or ‘All Along the Watchtower’ (the Hendrix version). Mostly though, I enjoyed those careless sojourns of evenings, when the world was our collective mollusc and the four-year degree would never-ever come to an end. However there was one man who was addicted to one song and so-much-so, he inadvertently ruined things for everyone.

Thinking back on it now, I’ve no idea what this man was called although within the group of my own friends he was only ever referred to as, “that f****** tube.” Anyway…

The Tube was addicted to this one, unmistakable song: ‘Loser’ by Beck and any evening he was in the bar, which is to say every evening I was there, he played Beck’s ‘Loser’ three or four times a night.

It was 50pence for one play and three songs for £1. The Tube was out at least £1.50 every night and all he played was ‘Loser’ – “I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you kill me?”

From regular, bitter experience, it soon transpired that whenever yer man landed in the bar, at least one of my friends or I would jump up, pump a pound or two into the jukebox and set a list of tunes a-playing, in the vein hope that the Tube would have a single beer and then leave without polluting us to yer another rendition of the song.

Then more and more people started doing the same thing to the extent that if, for example, I rose to play a song at 7pm, such was the queue, it might be 8pm before my song eventually came on.

That wasn’t too bad a trend, as you might imagine, until some student went and done what students always do, and took the ‘Loser’ thing to the next level.

One Thursday evening we landed at the bar only to discover that ‘Loser’ was already playing… “In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey / Butane in my veins and I’m out to cut the junkie…” The Tube had obviously already been in and had stuck on his favourite song already.

Taking our usual seats, coincidentally within touching distance of the jukebox, the song finished and the unexpected happened.

“In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey / Butane in my veins and I’m out to cut the junkie…”

The song came on again.

And then again.

And then again.

Some witless fool (possibly the Tube but probably not) had pumped a small fortune into the jukebox requesting ‘Loser’ over and over again.

At least one of us asked a member of staff to turn it off, probably after the fourth play but the request was denied, the thinking being that someone had requested the song and they had spent their money and they had the right to hear their request.

We stayed for just the one drink that night. But that wasn’t the end of it.

The following week the only song was playing was ‘Loser.’ And the week after that, it was the same thing. How it didn’t force the bar staff to quit their jobs, I’ll never know.

Even now, if I hear that Beck’s ‘Loser’, I am whisked back to that carefree time of baggy jeans and CK One. It goes without saying of course: I absolutely detest the song.

Anyway, you may or may not want to switch the telly on. If you do…

House of Maxwell shows Monday at 9pm on BBC2…

When Ghislaine Maxwell was convicted of grooming and trafficking underage girls, she became a household name, but she wasn’t always the most notorious member of the her family.

This documentary charts an extraordinary family saga, a tale of fortunes built and lost, mysterious deaths, society intrigue and a spectacular descent into scandal.

The opening instalment tells the story of how Robert Maxwell started out and the formative influence he had on the lives of daughter Ghislaine and his other children.

Secret tapes reveal for the first time the shockwaves his disappearance at sea sent through his business empire as news spread that millions of investors’ money had seemingly vanished with him.

Secondly and lastly, Pilgrimage shows Friday at 9pm on BBC2…

Seven well-known personalities with differing faiths and beliefs put on their backpacks and waterproofs and set out on foot, by road and sea, travelling over 1,600km to learn about a key figure in early British Christianity – St Columba. Following ancient paths and heritage walking trails are interior designer Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen – a non-conforming pagan; England cricketing legend Monty Panesar – a practising Sikh; actor Louisa Clein, who is Jewish; TV personality Nick Hewer – an agnostic; social media influencer Scarlett Moffatt – a Christian; comedian Shazia Mirza – a Muslim; and Paralympian Will Bayley – a lapsed Christian.

“In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey…”