The heart of the batter

“All my life I’ve been an obese man trapped inside a fat man’s body.” This was Homer Simpson in King-Size Homer (series 7, episode 7) from 1995.

The premise of the story is this: Nuclear plant owner, Mr Burns instigates a callisthenics program for workers. This goes down well with all, except Homer, who is, congenitally, too lazy.

However, Homer discovers that he can exempt himself from the program but only if he presents with a disability. He further discovers that ‘hyper-obesity’ is listed as a disability and so embarks on an eating mission to balloon himself to 300 lbs so that he’ll be allowed to work from home and thus avoid the callisthenics.

“What can I do to speed the whole thing up doctor?” Homer asks of quack medic, Dr Nick Riviera (Hi! Dr Nick!) during a consultancy for weight gain.

“Be creative,” Dr Nick explains. “Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use Poptarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.”

Satisfied, when Homer is leaving Dr Nick concludes, “And remember, if you’re not sure about something, rub it against a piece of paper.” He rubs a chicken drumstick off a sheet of A4.
“If the paper turns clear, it’s your window to weight gain!”

Soon enough, even Homer’s working from home and when his fingers have become too fat to make a phone call, he’s having to order a ‘special dialling wand’ by mashing the phone keypad with his hand.

If you remember from last week, I had embarked on a seefood odyssey and not to put too fine a point on things, I was eatin’ rings round me. That in turn, reminded me of the time Homer sued an all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant, after he was oxtered from the premises for eating too much. That one was ‘New Kid on the Block’ (season 4, episode 8) from 1992.

“That man ate all our shrimp – and two plastic lobsters,” the waiter tells the owner cum captain of the restaurant as Homer continued to shovel food into his mouth.

“That ain’t no man – tis a remorseless eatin’ machine – arrr!” the captain replies.

I was thinking of Homer, the remorseless eatin’ machine last week when I spotted my own window to weight gain.

I was battering monkfish fillets so as to make baja tacos and it wasn’t until I was draining the fillets on kitchen paper that I noticed the ‘window’.

If it’s a window to weight gain it’s also a window to loveliness – still, as bad as I am, I’ve a way to go yet before I catch Homer on 300lbs. I’d have to put away a few plastic lobsters before I get that far.

Also, I console myself that I’m not eating battered fish baja tacos or even fish suppers for that matter 25/8.

That’s probably why battered fish is such a treat, insofar as I only have it every once in a while.

This is a recipe for a great batter, whether you’re making tacos or fish suppers. So long as your window to weight gain isn’t open all the time, you’ll be grand.

These quantities will batter enough portions of fish for four or five people, depending on hungry you are.

INGREDIENTS
80g of cornflower
200g of plain flour
1 tsp of fine salt
1 bottle of cold lager (330ml) like Corona
2 tbsps of apple cider vinegar

THE PLAN
It’s as easy as can be. Dump the two flours and the salt into a large bowl and stir to combine. Pour in the beer with one hand and whisk with the other. Lastly, whisk through the vinegar and that’s it. It doesn’t really matter if there are a few lumpy bits as it’s going to be used for deep frying.

All that remains if for you to batter your fish and deep fry (180C) until crispy and golden as in the picture. They should take between four and six minutes, depending on thickness.

This batter can also be used for battering sausages, but that’s another level altogether.

And just in case you were wondering, at the end of King-Size Homer, Mr Burns pays for Homer’s lipo-suction.

WOO-HOO!