Abs trag, man

It is often said, albeit in a kind of poetic way, that words are the most powerful weapons we possess, capable of causing far more harm than bullets or bombs. Needless to say, people who say this have, almost exclusively, never been bulleted or bombed.

Anyway, following on from the theme of last week’s column – namely, how well-meaning users of the English language can inadvertently turn it into an instrument of torture – here are some more words and phrases that bring out the warlord in me.

This week we will focus on a very annoying linguistic phenomenon that I think has its origins somewhere in the 2000s. The abbreviation, or truncation, of words that were not wile long to begin with.

Popular examples of this shortening of already-short-enough words includes phrases like ‘totes amaz’ (totally amazing), ‘abs trag’ (absolutely tragic), ‘I’m so jel’ (I’m so jealous) and ‘defs nevs’ (definitely never).

People who subscribe to this manner of talking are likely younger than 30, less busy than they imagine they are, and, in all likelihood, the least favourite child in their family.

This act of saving time and energy by amputating the second or third syllable of a word, making what once took 0.5 seconds to say, now sayable in just 0.3 seconds (wow!), seems to be completely pointless.

“You know the derivative words (you know, the ones that are actual words), virtually no time is saved in chopping them in half, and what are you in such a rush about anyway?” I think to myself.

However, I’m not convinced that it is the fact that ‘totes’, ‘trag’ or ‘defs’ cannot be found in the dictionary that drives me comp ment.

Nor is it this monosyllabic idiom’s apparent obsession with brevity and saving precious milliseconds. I’m not against getting to the point (irony, noted) and, as last week’s abruptly-ended-column proved, I am not a dogmatic adherent of ‘proper English’. Some of the best words we have wouldn’t be caught dead in a dictionary.

So it has to be something else, and I think I know what it is.

Look at these three aforementioned phrases again and see if you can spot the common denominator among them.

‘Totes amaz’ (totally amazing). ‘Abs trag’ (absolutely tragic). ‘Defs nevs’ (definitely never).

What is the unifying quality that runs through each of them… Certainty.

Yes, all three are absolutely certain of themselves in an extremely annoying way. They are big, definite, hyperbolic, self-assured, and, crucially, they exist at the polar end of whatever spectrum they are on.

‘Totes amaz’ leaves no room for nuance, grey areas or ambivalence.

When I hear somebody say something was ‘totes amaz’, I think, ‘Really? Is the thing you are endorsing actually one hundred percent, uncomplicatedly wonderful, devoid of any drawbacks, shortcomings or downsides? Or is it, if truth be told, pretty good? I bet it’s pretty good. Nothing wrong with pretty good, but it’s a far cry from totally amazing.

These phrases know what they know and they know it’s the absolute.

Then, on top of that, there seems to be something sticky and greedy about them. Unlike other words, they aren’t happy sharing brain-space, coexisting with the rest of your lexicon. No. Once they enter your vocabulary, they start taking over, evicting, exiling and deporting other words and phrases that had been there for years.

If you meet someone who has been completely consumed by this way of talking, you’ll notice that perfectly good words and expressions such as ‘decent’, ‘fine’, ‘grand’, ‘not great’, ‘quite poor’, ‘not tara’, ‘right and good’ and ‘aww now’ have been banished by ‘totes amaz’ and ‘abs trag’.

Everything is either as wonderful as the gates of heaven, or as terrible as the death of a loved one.

No in-betweens. Just two extremes, and a gaping chasm where modesty and mediocrity used to roam.

Now, that is abs trag.