To be denied…

I am not sure if there is any analogy that can be offered to a teetotaler, capable of accurately conveying the deep, all-consuming, almost primal yearning that is the desire for a second – or maybe third – beer.

I know there are some people who can happily drink one beer and contentedly ‘just leave it at that’.

And I even personally know a few paragons of moderation who curl their lip at the gluttony and greed of people that guzzle down second and third beers. And, here, more power to them: God instilled man with moderation so that we animals of excess might get a lift home.

But most people – it is fair to say – who enjoy the nerve-settling quality of one beverage, almost always take pleasure in the spirit-raising properties of two or three.

Thankfully, given the bounty of beer that dwells within the pipes of pubs, and the multi-pack nature in which carry-outs are dispensed, the acquisition of a second, third, or, indeed, tenth beer, seldom proves a problem.

But there are a few situations in which it is unwise to assume one beer will be followed by another. There are places and circumstances – perverse and cruel – in which one should be wary of the prospect of being deprived of beer number two.

What you are about to read is something between a cautionary tale and a pointed polemic about the times you might be denied a much-pined for ‘nother beer.

The first circumstance in which you might be offered a first – and last – beer, is when you first enter the house of a friend or relative.

On crossing the threshold of another’s home, it is not rare to be offered a hospitality beer. In fact, this is common custom. A social norm of sorts.

Often, as this beer is proffered and accepted, it will not be entirely clear whether more beer waits expectantly in the fridge, and, if so, whether your host is of the mind to keep those breathless beers coming all night.

‘Is this a rip, a few convivial cans, or a sober cèilidh?’ you might ask yourself, as you coyly search the room for clues.

In such a situation, always assume that you are in the midst of a sober cèilidh – one that has merely went one-beer awry. This will keep your expectations low, mitigate against disappointment, and make the furnishing of any additional beer a very welcome half-surprise.

The other situation in which your boozy hopes are likely to be dashed is during a visit to the theatre.

Now, I would not be a regular attendee at the theatre. Whether this will come as a surprise or not, I have not the faintest notion.

However, let it suffice to say, the primary obstacle that stands between me, a beret and an extravagant, windswept scarf, are the strange, irritating, and, I would argue, wrong-headed rules governing the sale and consumption of alcohol in theatres. Last weekend, I was at the Strule Arts Centre for a show called ‘The Legend of Luke Kelly’. It was fantastic, and full review (sort of) can be found somewhere in this week’s Scene. There you can witness the thick plumes of praise that I blew up the backsides of Mr Kavanagh and his group of terrifically talented musicians.

However, one thing I neglected to mention – because of a desire not to detract from the overall excellence of the performance – was that you were not allowed to bring alcohol to your seat. All drink, they said, must be buried or abandoned at the theatre door.

You could, however, have a beer before, or at half-time.

Because the show was so good, I did not care too much. However, even as Chris sang about ‘her dark hair’ that ‘would weave a snare’, a small part of me was fantasising about the feeling of cold glass upon my lips.

However, on another night, during a less engaging show, the absence of a nearby beer would have driven me to deep distraction. And deep distraction is not a state of mind that any performer wants their audience to be driven to.

A theatre, in my opinion, should aim to make people as comfortable as possible. Insurance, cleaning bills and the occasional drunk are the small prices that must be paid in order to facilitate the maximum comfort for your audience.

Lift the show-time drink ban and let the people pint! To be denied is an awful thing.