Head over heels in love

As the Boys of the NYPD Choir echoed into silence and as the shocking reality of a whole January stretched into infinity, myself and Waffle were wondering about the possibility of New Year’s resolutions. Well, I was doing the wondering on Waffle’s behalf whilst he was peeing on the newly sprouting daffodils in the garden.

“Get-outta-that, dawg!” I snapped even before the Lucozade stream had ceased. “That’s your first New Year’s resolution: No watering the flowers – or the vegetables, when they arrive. H of a dog.”

However, to further said wondering on Waffle’s behalf, I had a bit of a hoke about online to see how he and I might further our relationship to the betterment of all in this Year of Our Lord 2024. As you might imagine, the internet abounds with advice for dog owners when it comes to communicating with their charges and vice-versa. Some of this so-called advice had me scratching my head whilst at other times I was merely rolling my eyes.

One of the articles I encountered, ‘40+ Tips To Help Pet Parents Better Communicate With Their Dogs’ at least sounded as though it might offer something of value. The feature began by talking about the “countless benefits” of having a dog and how our furry friends provide “unconditional love, loyalty, emotional support, and an unlimited amount of cuddles.”

“It’s as though they’re talking about me and you!” I told him, with a faux maniacal grin. I looked to Waffle who at the time was cleansing his nether regions. Despite pausing in his delicate ministrations, he didn’t respond.

The article continued, “Having a dog requires a lot of patience, time, and plenty of understanding on the pet parent’s part.”

“They’ve got that right,” I added, nodding sagely. However, it was the next sentence that made me question the validity of the account.

“Dogs don’t communicate verbally, and it is easy for both parties to misinterpret each other, which can lead to hurt feelings,” the author of the essay conferred.

Dogs don’t communicate verbally? Hurt feelings? Seriously?

Nevertheless, I read on…

The article continued with veritable pearls of rare wisdom such as, when not to give treats, how to interpret howling and the downside to permitting your dog to nip your hand. In fairness, if you’ve never owned a dog before – or even baby-sat one for a weekend – there might have been a few decent tips for enhancing the hound/owner relationship. On the whole though, it all seemed a tad patronising.

Under the subheading, ‘Leaving your dog for a bit’, the author talked about how desperate it is for a human to leave their dog alone.

“One of the most heart-breaking things for pet parents is leaving their doggos at home while they go to school, work, or on vacation,” they wrote.

“Being left alone at home makes our furry friends feel abandoned because they don’t understand work or school.

To them, being left alone is being abandoned, even if only for a few hours. Humans must understand that dogs don’t have any sense of time, and they have no idea when their humans will be back.”

After reading that, I had the distinct desire to sit down with the author of the piece, putting an arm around their shoulders and saying, “They’re just dogs.”

Also, I’m not sure I like the term, ‘pet-parent.’ It sounds too… California-avocado-eating-exfoliating-tofu-woke-iness.

Nevertheless, I read on…

Under the heading, ‘The low growl’ I read, “The low growl is something every pet owner must be familiar with. The sound is a warning to back off and is a signal that the dog doesn’t like sharing his food or toys, or humans. When you see a dog doing this, back away slowly.”

So you’re saying that if Waffle growls at me I shouldn’t grab him by the scruff of the neck and fire him head over heels outside into the back garden?

Maybe I should allow him to have some Waffle-time alone with his feelings? Is that the emotional support you mentioned earlier?

I looked to Waffle to find him sniffing at the box of Celebrations which someone had left on the arm of a chair. I wasn’t worried though. Unless he developed opposable thumbs in the next 30 seconds, the chocolates were safe.

“Get-outta-that, dawg,” I said anyway, by way of precaution. Waffle duly obliged and came to sit at my knee. He looked up at me and sneezed.

As the Boys of the NYPD Choir are officially no more for another year and as the reality of a whole January continues to stretch into infinity – and after reading ‘40+ Tips To Help Pet Parents Better Communicate With Their Dogs’ – I have to conclude that our own human/hound relationship doesn’t need too many New Year’s resolutions. Although we have our moments, we understand one another well enough.

I understand that Waffle loves me explicitly and he understands that growling or peeing on the daffodils or eating the Celebrations will work to his disadvantage. See previous comment about being fired head over heels outside.