By 
Spring and summer pass quickly in a town like Omagh, unlike autumn and the interminable winter.
Putting the dark months in, as the pensioners say, isn’t easy.
In October, one often embarks upon some noble pursuit, perhaps wrestling with the rudiments of oil painting or tackling what one hopes, by March, will have accreted into the complete collected works of Fyodor Dostoevsky.
But it never happens.
Before a fortnight has elapsed, you’ve inevitably been dragged down into the same drudgery as last year: Burritoed in a blanket, wearily watching re-runs of ‘The Chase’, praying for a set of headlights to sweep across the living-room wall and inject some excitement into your evening.
The nightly game of winter bingo: “Is it a loved one? Is it a burglar? Is it a takeaway driver with a mistaken address?”
Nope. It’s Brilliant Bridie’s daughter calling again – her fourth visit in just 11 hours. And her used to bate them for breathing, and here’s me, couldn’t have done enough for mine and never sees a wan.
You get the picture.
But last weekend, I discovered a source of entertainment guaranteed to make even the coldest, wettest evenings whizz by like those sultry summer nights of your youth.
It’s called trawling through Google Reviews of local takeaways, and it blows all other winter pastimes, including paddleball, baking, and even eavesdropping through the wall on the domestic disputes of your neighbours, clean out of the water.
Allow me the privilege of introducing you to some of my favourites.
Note: Some reviews have been abridged because angry reviews tend to be wordy and hell hath no fury like an Omagh takeaway customer scorned.
Here’s a good one to start: ‘The drink was rubbish disgusting it smell of cat wee taste it off not baby friendly rubbish service disgusting drink thank a lot for my off drink disgusting taste so weird I’ve order raspberry iced match it smell of cat wee I always order that but today taste disgusting smelt horrible you should be. Checking your ingredients before you serve customer not coming back you probably won’t give me refund’.
Another customer concurred, simply stating: ‘Yeah it’s pretty doo doo man.’
Meanwhile, at a local Indian restaurant, one unhappy – and I would argue quite confused – customer complained: ‘Fish and chips not good for the money’.
Reflecting on an unsatisfactory experience at a longstanding local fast-food chain, a diner said: ‘Got to a dirty table and no spoon for my beans, no sugar for my tea so back up to get it. Sat down to enjoy my meal only to have a fire alarm go off (false alarm, no fire) for five minutes’.
Reading this one, I had to ask myself: Would he have been less aggrieved had everybody present been burned to a crisp?
Of a recently closed restaurant, a man writes: ‘Worst food I have ever tasted in my life, they must buy the food from Iceland, processed and reheated. It’s bad when my daughter wouldn’t even eat the food’.
Which made me wonder, what’s the craic with his daughter? Why is her refusal to eat something so shocking? Is she a raccoon? A pig? A badger perhaps?
One interesting thing I found out while pursuing my new hobby was that, almost universally across the board, whether it be a chippy, pizza place, Chinese, Indian, kebab shops or whatever the eating establishment being criticised, the owners either don’t respond to their critics or, if they do, they do it in a considered, apologetic sort of way.
‘I’m so sorry to hear about your negative experience… etc, etc.’
But there is one chippy that really cannot take criticism, pretty much irrespective of the seeming legitimacy of the customer’s contention.
I’ll end with a few of the best customer-management exchanges I found under their Google page.
Customer A: ‘That’s how you get your burger at (named redacted) absolutely disgusting! never again!!!’
Management: ‘Disgusting?? There is garlic Mayo on the burger. You requested no salad… what did you want?’
Customer B: ‘Avoid. Burger came without any dressing… just a dry burger in a dry bap. Chips were hard and dry milkshake tasted of chemicals. Complete waste of my time ordering from this joint. £14 for rotten disgusting food that had to be binned’
Management: ‘You didn’t order any salad on your burger?! All you asked for was red sauce…….check your order!’
Customer C: ‘We asked for a wrap with just red sauce and they put chilli sauce in it.’
Management: ‘(Customer’s name), are you sure you have the correct place? We don’t sell wraps??’
And coming up, my personal favourite.
Customer D: ‘Ordered food at 17-year-old got here at ages 45.’
Management: ‘Driver took the scenic route to your house. Said it was a lovely drive to be fair.’
So there you go, a gift from me to you. It’s my new favourite corner of the internet. Maybe it can be yours too.
