Mutiny on the Bounty

Another day, another Tory resignation. Putin is still on the tear. Donald Trump is back on the scene with his slimy, white-eyed madness and the environment is going down the toilet. Worse still, they’re talking about taking the Bounty bars out of the Celebrations tins – outrage!

It’s strange the things people become enraged about, I think. Remember the time they tried to rebrand Coco Pops as Chocco Krispies? Outrage! I assume the ‘Krispies weren’t going to taste any differently from the ‘Pops but the cereal-eating public were up in arms. How dare they change the name of some crappy, synthetic breakfast? The polar ice-caps may be melting and the human race might not see 2030 but what odds? So long as Coco Pops retains the same moniker the pyjama-wearing brigade will be happy in their supermarket locales.

Then there was the so-called horse meat scandal from 2013. Outrage!

So your frozen lasagne was largely made from reclaimed and reformed meat, quasi nuclear chemicals, oodles of additives, synthetic flavourings and ungodly amounts of salt and sugar and then in order to cook the flaccid abomination you dump it into a microwave and zap on full power over the course of eight minutes until it’s bubbling, white hot and lava like and any semblance of nutritional goodness has been well and truly destroyed. After that you have to wait for a full minute unless you want to demolish all the taste receptors in your mouth and possibly experience gastrointestinal problems. All that is fine but then – outrage! – there is found to be horsemeat DNA in the equation and only then is it deemed inedible.

And so now Mars, as the makers of Celebrations has decided to remove the Bounty bars from all tins ahead of Christmas. Outrage! Mutiny!

Memes abound online, celebrities queue up to spout their faux rage on social network sewers and the PR department at Mars wake themselves up laughing every morning.

The price of heating my home has doubled and the fuel light is always on in my car and we’re talking about chocolates. Seriously?

I think I speak for all the non-pyjama wearing brigade at supermarkets when I said, who gives a Coco Pops monkey.

And while you’re at it, take the Milky Ways out as well.

On with the programming!

First up and in no particular order is Hong Kong’s fight for Freedom (Monday at 9.30pm on BBC2)…

In 2019, the Hong Kong government proposed a law allowing suspects to be extradited to China, a bill sparking a wave of anger across the city as people feared autonomy from mainland China was under threat. Using groundbreaking artificial intelligence to protect the identities of the protesters, this two-part documentary tells the story of four young people who joined mass protests across the city and felt increasingly disillusioned by the government’s response.

They soon found themselves drawn into a cycle of violence that threatened to tear the city apart.

Alternatively, Miriam and Alan: Lost in Scotland and Beyond (Tuesday at 9.15pm on Channel4)…

A year older, but not necessarily wiser, Miriam Margolyes, Alan Cumming and Alan’s dog Lala rediscover more Scottish roots and journey across the Pond to their other mutual home, the California coast.

And lastly, with the World Cup in Guitar on the horizon, what about Messi: The Enigma (Friday at 10.55pm on BBC1)…

Documentary on Lionel Messi, who is widely regarded as one of the greatest footballers of all time. The programme looks at childhood footage of the Argentina star, and school friends describe how a painfully shy boy with a growth hormone deficiency would draw crowds to see him play from the age of nine. It is also discussed why he does not appear so receive the same universal appeal in his home country as the more controversial figure of Diego Maradona.

With contributions from former teammates, including Cesc Fabregas, Xavi, Sergio Busquets, Pablo Zabaleta, Javier Mascherano and Hernan Crespo.