By 
Back in the day, I was naïve enough to take on an A-level in politics. One might even suggest that this choice was rather senseless, given that I had little regard for politics.
The end result was a complete lack of enthusiasm for the subject and, despite the best efforts of a dedicated and talented teacher at Omagh’s CBS, I learned little and retained even less.
One of the few things I did retain, however, was a quote from the former Labour chancellor Denis Healey. Commenting on debating with long-serving Cabinet minister, Geoffrey Howe, Healey said it was, “like being savaged by a dead sheep.”
I was reminded of this quote during the week after reading an intriguing article about the rise and rise of personal protection dogs. According to a piece in The Guardian, these dogs are now being bought and sold every single day across Britain and Ireland. At the top end of the market, they are purpose-bred, trained to attack on command and will maintain a bite until instructed to release. Conveniently, they are marketed as family pets but double up as live-in security guards.
With names like Butch Cassidy, Shadow and Fist, these are dogs that will, on command, bite an intruder’s back-end clean off and then sit patiently waiting for a treat.
Once the preserve of the landed gentry, this explosion in personal protection dogs’ popularity is apparently being fuelled by crime anxiety, celebrity endorsement and social media — where nothing says ‘stable household’ like a slow-motion video of your dog disembowelling a man in a balaclava. The top tier is populated by breeds like German Shepherds, Belgian Malinois and Dobermans. Not one mention did I find of a Bichon Frise–Cocker Spaniel cross. Hard luck, Waffle.
Some of these dogs start at £32,000, depending on how well trained they are. I don’t know about you, dear reader, but I can think of better ways to spend that kind of money – with most of them involving central heating. However…
What really caught my attention was that at the other end of the market, dog trainers have started advertising personal protection courses for existing pets. That means if you already have a dog and don’t want to splash sinful money on a brand-new protector called Kong, you can have your old mutt (Waffle) reconditioned.
Whilst I can personally affirm that I don’t have more money than sense (sense being something I lease rather than own), I can’t help but wonder what kind of dog Waffle would become if I sent him away to boarding school for personal protection. Would he return sporting dog tattoos, a thick chain round his neck and a perma-snarl? Would he avoid eye-contact and insist on sleeping facing the door?
I somehow can’t imagine it, but let’s say, for argument’s sake, he was enhanced in some small way. Maybe he could attack on command. Maybe he’d have an overtly threatening scowl. Or maybe he’d simply be more vocal (God forbid). Surely though, in whatever way he’d be altered, he wouldn’t be able to mix it up with the likes of Butch Cassidy, Shadow or Fist – dogs whose very names suggest they’ve seen things they can never un-see.
But then I had an idea…
Let’s say I did have more money than sense – £32,000 to be exact. And let’s say I happened to like my Bichon Frise–Cocker Spaniel mix who cost me £250 back in the day. Divide £32,000 by £250 and you get 128 Waffles. Shave off a couple of grand for personal protection training (and whatever counselling I might require) and even 100 Waffles would be a right aul army.
Imagine it. A tide of Waffles – a hundred fluffy soldiers advancing in perfect formation – the Children of the Corn wouldn’t be in it!
Instead of a ‘Beware of the Dog’ sign at my gate, I could have ‘Beware of the Waffle Army.’
Which brings me back to Denis Healey…
So what was it like being attacked by Michael’s army of Waffles?
“It was like being savaged by a herd of dead sheep.”
