‘It was surreal but strengthening’

When Drumquin man, Jason McCartan, returned from the shop to find his mother lying lifeless on the kitchen floor, he could not see a path through the grief that was to come.

That was eight years ago, and, though he still misses her deeply, Jason said Christmas 2023 was the ‘best he can remember’ since the woman who raised him left this world.

Bravely looking back to the days that followed his mother’s sudden death, Jason recalled how her wake allowed him to ‘act reasonably normal in the most abnormal circumstances’.

“It was late December when I called my mother to look after the kids, while I went to the shop for a few bits and bobs.”

When the well-liked local photographer returned, his world had changed forever.

“Talk about trying to process something.

“We buried Mum on Christmas Eve, then it was Christmas Day, and we still had a one-year-old and a five-year-old; Santa still had to come, and dinner still had to be made.

“I don’t know how we managed it.”

Recalling a remark made by Mary McAleese at the time of the Omagh bomb, the Drumquin man said, “I remember she said something like, ‘A wake is the handrail that guides you through the initial days of grief’.

“There is definitely truth to that.”

Jason continued, “I remember relatives calling to the house, and I was able to give them their presents.

“I was able to chat to people, and do what needed to be done. I was able to function to a reasonably-normal level. That was the support of all the people around me.”

Jason recalled the feeling of being buttressed by the love people displayed for his mother during her wake.

“It was humbling and oddly strengthening to see how people had gone out of their way to come to the house.

“The weather was terrible; it was only a few days before Christmas, and still people came from as far as Belfast.

“It was as if the whole of Carrickmore and Beragh were there at the wake, chapel and graveside.”

To Jason and his family, this reaffirmed that the kind of woman his mother was had not gone unnoticed by the world.

“She was one of the greatest illegal taxi drivers Drumquin ever seen. More nights than enough she would run people home for nothing, just to make sure they got home safe, and one of her favourite lines was, ‘If you have two coats, one belongs to the poor’.

“The wake confirmed to us that people had not overlooked the way she had chosen to live her life.

“I remember Fr Kevin Mullan wailing when he pulled up to the house. He said he seen a Godliness in mum, hence the respect and the sadness.

“That was surreal, but probably strengthening.”

Beyond that, Jason said that wakes were places for building bridges and reconnecting with friends and family.

“Wakes are great for healing fractured relationships. If two people who don’t get along meet each other at a wake, there is something about the grief that helps them put their differences into perspective. Not always, but often you will find that fallouts are mended at wakes.

“My mother’s wake also put me back in touch with old friends I had not seen in a long time. We exchanged numbers, and still chat to this day.”

Maybe the best evidence of the value which Jason derived from his mother’s wake is to be witnessed in the way it affected his attitude to that of other people’s.

“There was a time when I might not have bothered going to a wake if it didn’t suit me, but the days that followed my mother’s death revealed to me what a wake can do for a mourning family. Since then, I try never to let one pass. No matter what, I always leave saying, ‘God, I am glad I went to that’.”