Electric Avenue

HANDS up who has an electric car. Na, me neither. And by the look of things, I won’t be buying one any time shortly.

Apparently (if the internet is to be believed), the average cost of a new electric car is £44,000 although there are also ‘basic’ models priced at around £20,000.

I don’t know about you, dear reader, but if I’m spending 20,000 buckaroonies on anything, I don’t fancy the ‘basic’ model. For that kind of money I wanted heated seats, a Bose sound system and go-faster stripes on the side (of her). I want a three litre, turbo engine and one of them exhausts as fat as a chimney pot – no smoke, no poke, that’s what they say. For that kind of money I want my car to look as though I’ve covered it in double-sided sello-tape and ram-raided Halfords.

“Think about the environment, Michael!”

I am thinking about the environment – my own commuting environment, not to mention value for money.

Seriously though, if the world’s big car manufacturers are to be believed, electric vehicles are coming our way – and soon.

Pricing aside (industry experts are suggesting that new electric and petrol and/or diesel cars will cost the same within the next five years anyway), the likes of Ford is predicting that all new cars sold in Europe will be electric by 2030. That’s just eight years away, just eight more years of poking and smoking.

Currently (no pun intended), just five per-cent of cars sales are electric. But by 2025, those sales are predicted to jump to 20 per-cent. Fast-forward a decade and a half and, according to investment bank UBS, virtually every new car sold across the world will be electric by 2040.

Personally, I’m not so sure. Whilst it would be nice to witness a sea-change in cleaner motoring, I’m not convinced that people will be able to afford it – not unless that so-called government which doesn’t pretend to have even a nominal care for its citizens any more, decides to offer some worthwhile grants.

Take me for example. The last car I bought cost £3,000. It’s no frills motoring to be sure but it’s a decent car nonetheless and it gets me from A to B with little to no fuss. How then is a man like me, acclimatised to buying a three grand car suddenly going to spend upwards of a year’s wages on the most basic model that holds a charge worse than last year’s iPhone? In short he (I’m) isn’t (am not).

Maybe the viable alternative has been staring us in the face this whole time, one which is climate acceptable, cheaper than Elon Musk’s latest Tesla and which doesn’t require government subsidies. The answer: A horse.

Mark my words, dear readers, when London and New York and Amsterdam is abounding with electric vehicles in a decade’s time, there will be a roaring equine trade west of the Bann. And sure, won’t it be great? We’ll be able to ride our stallions or mares (depending on your preference) to the saloon or to the store or to the new rodeo rings popping up all round the north west.

OK, so manure in the streets might present a bit of a problem but that’ll be nothing compared to the impending global annihilation presented by climate change. Mark my words…

“Giddy-up there feller!”

“And on with the programming!”

And maintaining the theme… The People Vs Climate Change should be worth a watch (Tuesday at 8pm on BBC2)…

Britain has made big promises about reducing its impact on the planet, but getting there means huge changes to people’s everyday lives. In this documentary, cameras follow members of the UK’s first-ever Citizens’ Assembly on Climate Change, where 108 ordinary Brits are tasked with deciding what should be done to meet climate change goals.

Alternatively, Kate Humble: Good Life, Green Life (Monday at 8pm on Channel5)…

The broadcaster and farmer demonstrates ways to help save the planet by living sustainably, maintaining biodiversity and cutting down on waste, all while saving money into the bargain. She shows how making a pond and adding marine plants can help some fast-disappearing wildlife, reveals tips to attract bees, and encourages everyone to forage for free food.

Or, Miriam and Alan: Lost in Scotland (Tuesday at 9.15pm on Channel4)…

Actors Miriam Margolyes and Alan Cumming take off on a motorhome adventure to rediscover their Scottish roots. They start out in Glasgow, visiting the street where Miriam’s Jewish family first lived in Scotland, then journey north into the Highlands. Alan learns about his ancestral past at Cawdor Castle, they meet up with fellow actor Bill Paterson and stop off in Carnoustie, where things take a somber turn as Alan remembers his abusive childhood.

And lastly, Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings is new on Disney+…

Martial-arts master Shang-Chi confronts the past he thought he left behind when he’s drawn into the web of the mysterious Ten Rings organization.