Sniff, sniff – At Home

A team of boffins have apparently worked out which are the best and worst smells in the world, although I’m not entirely sure I agree with their findings.

Men (and likely women too, now that we live in a fairly egalitarian society) from the University of Oxford have posited that the best smell in the world is vanilla and the worst is sweaty feet. Honestly, I don’t think I agree on either of these.

Whilst vanilla is nice, in a Middle-England, doily-ed, beige kind of way, it is just that: Nice. It’s far from a Yeah! We-are-the-champions! WOO-HOO! sensation of a scent. It’s nowhere near the olfactory explosion of bacon sizzling on a Saturday morning or the nostalgic hug of cut grass on a warm spring afternoon or the mind-blowing esthesis of your new-born daughter’s forehead on the tip of your nose.

No, I’m dreadfully sorry, University of Oxford, vanilla is OK but there’s better nasal delights out there.

However, if vanilla is just nice, sweaty feet as a bad smell is just a joke.

This is just a shot in the dark, but I’m willing to bet that none of these so-called scientists have much of what you might call, life experience, if they think sweaty feet is an oppressive odour. Have they never held the sole of a shoe up to their nose to inhale what they suspected might be chocolate but in actual fact turned out to be dog dung? Have they never taken a walk in the countryside only to stumble on a style, take a tumble and bury their face in the side of a dead badger mid-putrefaction? Have they never cleaned up after someone who was out on an all-day bender, was persuaded to drink tequila shots at the wind-up, repaired to an atin’ hoose for battered sausages and curry sauce and then chundered into the footwell of a Fiat Brava?

No, I’m dreadfully sorry, University of Oxford, if you haven’t done any of these things (and especially the last one), you can hardly claim to understand the impact a REALLY bad smell can have on a person’s demeanour and nasal well-being. No, sweaty feet might be a teensie-weensie bit offensive to a nose that only scents floor polish and flowers on a regular basis but half-digested battered sausages and soured tequila is another matter altogether.

Meanwhile, on with the programming and in no particular order.

First up this week is Freeze the Fear with Wim Hof (Tuesday at 9pm on BBC1)…

Holly Willoughby and Lee Mack present this new show which sees eight celebrities undertake a series of sub-zero challenges designed to test them to their limits, both physically and mentally. They are being guided by Dutch extreme athlete Wim Hof, AKA the Ice Man, who believes that embracing the cold can change lives for the better. Those taking part are West End star Alfie Boe, singer and footballer Chelcee Grimes, dancer Dianne Buswell, sports presenter Gabby Logan, weatherman and drummer Owain Wyn Evans, footballer-turned-coach Patrice Evra, rapper Professor Green and actress Tamzin Outhwaite. How will they cope with the freezing conditions?

Alternatively, Gazza shows Tuesday at 9pm on BBC2…

Part one of two. Documentary charting the life and career of football legend Paul Gascoigne, whose on-field brilliance has been rivalled by a troubled private life. The first episode looks back to Paul’s early years, when the exciting young talent from Newcastle found fame and fortune as he made his way in the world of professional football, but the intense media attention and constant scrutiny proved difficult for him to deal with.

And last but not least – and also because my little humans will want to know it’s back – Britain’s Got Talent is back Saturday at 8pm on ITV.

Ant and Dec return with the nationwide talent search, with judges Simon Cowell, Amanda Holden, Alesha Dixon and David Walliams giving their verdicts on the acts. Among those taking to the stage of the London Palladium Theatre are a dog act like no other, harmonious choirs, and a man who left the judges spooked like never before.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila – floor!