Final Word by Paul Moore: A working lunch

Every year it happens and every year large swathes of people take absolutely no notice.

Business leaders have once again been warning of the dangers of office parties. I qualify, the parties themselves are not necessarily dangerous, merely the behaviour of those who attend the parties and assume that too much alcohol and the spirit of Christmas will excuse misdemeanours which at any other time of the year would be deemed unacceptable.

To be fair I am not one to comment on this since I hate any form of party and particularly despise the notion of the office party.

The idea that one would voluntarily choose to spend an afternoon or evening with those whom you spend the rest of the year trying to avoid when not at work seems ludicrous.

Working with someone means one has to find an arrangement with them that will allow levels of civility appropriate to a working environment.

After that I have no wish to hear about their families, their children, their holidays, their medical procedures, their golf, their favourite books or their great taste in music, all of which I have at some point been subjected to when I have let my guard down and attended a festive party.

I also detest the fact that Christmas seems to allow people to put up hideous decorations in the space I have to work in, things like smiling Santas, Ho,Ho,Ho stickers and, above all, a deeply artificial Christmas tree.

Then there is the food.

A work space needs nothing more than a coffee/drinks machine and a fridge where people can leave food that other so-called workmates will steal.

At this time of year plates of food one would not let grace the house at other times suddenly appear.

Mince pies, selection boxes, Christmas cake, strudel, boxes of sweets and, most alarmingly, vile milky alcohol drinks which are generally so sweet the enamel comes off your teeth if someone in your vicinity screws the lid off the bottle.

None of us eat this stuff for the other 11 months of the year (I am aware that some misguided souls drink milky alcohol drinks all year round but that excludes them on the grounds of gastronomic insanity) so why is it assumed we will have a complete dietary transformation just because it is Christmas?

Then there is the relentless happiness.

Everyone, especially at this time of year, should have a healthy suspicion of those who go around being happy.

It is not normal and is sure to hide some form of psychopathic tendency.

The daily disposition we all trust is whinging with the odd break into forlorn wishing when talking about things which are not work.

You can also be certain that the happy ones will be those turning up in stupid hats, Christmas jumpers and various forms of Christmas jewellery, generally in red and green. I do have a tip for stalling the hats business, however.

There is an online company which will sell you, at a very modest price given its impact, a black Santa hat with Bah Humbug written on it. I have used mine for several years and it does at least act as a kind of shield against the happy bunch.

Sadly even getting it all over with will not completely offer any solace.

As soon as you get back to work and think you are safe the first ten people you meet will ask – “Well did you have a nice Christmas?’ to which the perfect answer is – ‘It was bearable only because I did not have to see you lot every morning and be asked inane questions for which you already know the answer’.