Final Word: Slim chance

by Paul Moore

Having ill-mannered dogs – no idea who they take it from – I have to walk them early in the morning at a nearby sports ground in the hope that they will not encounter people or, more particularly, other dogs.

This is generally a forlorn hope since at that time of the morning the place is awash with individuals of all shapes and sizes doing their best to get fit and shed some weight. I envy them a little since they have managed to find the willpower to do something about their body even though the odds are stacked against it actually doing any good. These odds generally consist of fish and chips, burgers, sweets, cream buns and crisps.

I am forever grateful that I was blessed with a fairly ordinary body. That is not to say that as the years have progressed I have not gained a few pounds but a combination of nervous energy and a job where I have to stand and walk a good deal means I am not carrying so much weight that it shows.

I did have a period where this was not true – it coincided with working in a college where the staff continually brought me cakes they were making – and I can confirm that nothing will make you take a look at your self more than your mammy saying as she meets you ‘You have put on weight!’

In truth I do to really like sweet things but it is the crisps that would be the danger for me. Not these so-called ‘proper’ crisps, but the real thing, the ones that are made from the scrapings of the crisp factory floor and which are brought together to make crisps which are all identical in size and taste and have no resemblance to potatoes. Those are the boys that will get me every time.

However, those who trudge around the sports field in the early morning are, it seems, going to have to keep going it alone since it was announced this week that WeightWatchers has gone into liquidation. Initially I thought this might be due to competition from other slimming worlds but then I realised it was all down to the emergence of the drugs that allow people to shed weight rapidly.

Being of the group for whom any form of injection is going to lead to a nervous breakdown I fail to see the attraction. I am told one can inject oneself but this is only marginally less breakdown-inducing that someone else administering the needle.

I read recently that a tablet may be on its way but even this does not hold any attraction because the list of side effects of any of the drug regimes is quite frankly terrifying. I have a friend who has been prescribed the drug because he is diabetic. He looks wretched, can eat virtually nothing without immediately feeling nauseous, has no appetite and spends large amounts of time seeking out food that might make him want to eat.

I had always thought the drugs made some kind of physical intervention but it seems they impact on the mind making you think you are not hungry. Having spent a lifetime trying to avoid mind-altering drugs this seems counter-intuitive to me. I also think that we are going to end up with a population who all appear as wretched as my friend, a nation of miserable, boney specimens who have forgotten how to have a laugh over a good meal.

Sadly, as in most things, it is women who feel the burden of this rush to be thin most, when actually being the body weight which matches your disposition is by far the most attractive proposition any of us are likely to be offered and not a single injection needed.