The Wonder Dawg

There are a few misconceptions on the go about our Waffle that I’d like to clear up. Maybe you yourself, cherished reader, have even been wondering about these… things.

Well, whatever the case, the time has come for a re-evaluation of current canine currency, which is to say, some home-truths about the Hound.

Waffle is not named after that other dog named Waffle

This is a question usually mentioned by younger people, people who are perhaps still of schooling age and who would have maybe, in their younger-er days, tuned in to the BBC programme, ‘Waffle the Wonder Dog.’

“Hey mister,” they don’t say in an American accent. “Is your dawg Waffle named after Waffle the Wonder Dog?”

I reply, “No, he is not.”

The full-er response which I don’t get into is this: The name, ‘Waffle’ was picked a long time ago before Waffle the Wonder Dog even made it onto TV. Our Waffle is so named because our little humans in the house adore potato waffles. I wanted to give Waffle the name, ‘Gus’ but I was out-voted.

So now you know.

Waffle does not know that he is famous

You’d be surprised, cherished reader, if you knew how often people ask if Waffle knows he is a celeb, as if he knew anything about anything or even, for example, knew his arse from his elbow. But just to be clear: Waffle does not know he is famous. Waffle is as thick as a bottle of dung.

Waffle is neither a Cockapoo nor a girl

I understand why people assume the Hound is both, because the Cockapoo is much more common than a Cockachon (both breeds also look quite alike) and also, Waffle has certain effeminate qualities. At this juncture I’ll have to be careful with what I say because, whilst I have the utmost respect for those of the fairer sex, I do not harbour anything next or near for the Waff. And so the best plan is: Say nothing.

Waffle really does whinge like a baby

“Sure, he doesn’t do much whining – do you wee Waffie.”

That sentence has been uttered by various friends and family members at various times over the past year, since various lockdowns ended, most often when they are on their hunkers giving ‘wee Waffie’ a scratch behind the ears. These same friends and family members do not know wee Waffie as well as I do though and so I can unequivocally confirm that Waffle is a whiner of international standard.

When he’s at himself (which is to say all the time), another dog couldn’t whine better than Waffle on the whiniest day of their lives with an electrified whining machine. Waffle is the King of Whiners. Ever had a ringing in your ears? Turn that up to eleven, add the exquisiteness of nails down a blackboard, a dash of a whingy wean who’ve dropped their sweeties and the blood-curdling loveliness of chewing tin-foil and then – THEN – you’ve an idea of what Waffle is like when he’s going full boot.

I am not making any of this up

This is the question I am asked most often and I am always happy to response with a knowing smile and shake of the head. But just to be completely clear, I can confirm once and for all, I am not making this up.

Admittedly, I have embellished stories in the past, adding a few juicy morsels here and there to make the telling and the retelling more of an exciting repast. But for Waffle, there is simply no need. When Waffle is chasing deer or sniffing out hares or chewing up my licence or peeing on my feet or crapping in the spare room or biting flowers off stems or knocking down children in his exuberance to make friends – all these things are actually happening or have happened and are incidences with which I’m still coming to terms. These columns, The Wuff with the Smooth are not works of fiction and in fact my recording of these adventures and misdemeanours wouldn’t be half as cathartic for me if they were untrue.

At last and to prove my latter point, I can share some evidence to dispel this misconception. The evidence of which I speak is a video which you can find online at www.wearetyrone.com of the Waff and a hare which I filmed on a walk this very morning.

For those of you who are disinclined to tune in to watch the film, this is what happened.

During the walk, Waffle disappeared into a field not far from our home. Initially I had intended to call him back but then I decided instead to take a picture of him loping up the hill. However, as soon as I stepped up to the gate and looked into the field, I spotted a hare running some metres ahead of the Waff. I quickly realised that if a chase ensued, I could capture it on video.

Quickly selecting the video option on my phone, I climbed onto the gate so as to wait for the hunt to begin. If you remember from last week, Waffle chased a hare during another dander on my doorstep, one which I failed to film. This time, I resolved, I would capture footage and present as evidence as to the veracity of Waffle’s adventures. What happened was this… I waited on the gate as the hare disappeared over the hill with the Waff on his scent. Waffle hadn’t made visuals on the hare but I could tell he was following the Lepus trail, such was his demeanour of intent.

I waited and I continued to wait, finger poised on ‘record’ for the craic to begin. Suddenly the hare appeared and I hit the button. It all happened in a flash (as you can see in the video) but the hare was travelling at such a rate as to have outstripped the pursuing dog for pace. He (or she) actually ran right up to me, spied that they were being recorded and dashed under the gate and made off down the road. Moments later – no less than ten seconds – the stupid dog arrives, like a drunken fool late to the party. Sniffing and tossing his head hither and thither, he doesn’t know if he needs a poo or a haircut.

Although you’ll be glad to know there’s no whining.