The Pope’s pets- At Home

“The Pope’s good craic, isn’t he,” said the woman behind the tie-dyed mask. “I can’t say I’ve ever met him, Pat,” replied the smaller woman in the black shawl and thick furry-green cardigan.

It was Friday past and I on another eavesdropping mission, this time at the slow-moving queue at the store-front kiosk in Asda.

I really hate that queue. You might only be looking to buy a packet of chewing gum or a bottle of fizz but there always seems to be some eejit who can’t decide which kind, or how many packets of fags to buy. Either that or they’re having a year’s worth of lottery tickets checked.

“He’s good craic, surely, Mary,” Pat confirmed. “Did you not see what he was on about yesterday? I seen it on the Facebook on me tablet.”

“Pope Francis?” Mary in the black shawl asked, adjusting a bra-strap.

Pat pulled herself up to her full height, which probably amounted to a little over four feet. With only being able to see her eyes due to the mask and with her grey-streaked hair, I’d have placed her somewhere in her mid to late 50s.

“Aye, Francis,” Pat continued. “He was saying that if people don’t have weans, they’re being selfish.”

“Wha? Sure how would he know?” Mary sounded offended.

“’Xactly,” Pat said, reaching out in that way that women of a certain age do, to touch a friend on the arm, as if punctuating the point. “Ses the man who doesn’t have any weans.”

“Or does he?” Mary punctuated her point with a touch of Pat’s arm.

“Or does he?” Pat echoed, raising her eyebrows. She went on, “He was saying that people now are choosing to have pets like cats and dogs instead of having children and that if a person chooses not to have weans, they are somehow less of a person.”

“Pot, kettle…” Mary sighed.

“’Xactly!” Another touch of the arm. “And sure I have weans and a cat – how does he explain that?”

“Dunno,” answered Mary. “Mebe he’ll have to ask yer man upstairs.”

“And sure I know a woman who has nine weans who’s the most selfish toe-rag this side of the border.”

“Fidelma?” Mary wondered.

“The very wan.” Pat glanced around to see if anyone was looking before leaning in close with her tie-dyed mask. “She’s a hard aul ticket, is Fidelma. No wonder Malachy went for digestives wan Monday evening and never came back.”

Mary cleared her throat. “He wuda took the biscuits with him too, I’d say.”

“I’d say so and accordin’ to the Pope, he wuda shacked up with a dog and cat ‘cause the weans weren’t around any more.”

Mary coughed, “Do you think the Pope has a dog?”

“I’d say so. Sure who else is he gonna feed the scraps from his dinner to?”

“What do you think it’s called?”

“What?”

“The Pope’s dog?”

“Jaysus, Mary, I dunno,” scoffed Pat. “Paw-dre Pio, mebe.”

Mary clutched at her chest as if struck before emitting a long gust of chesty laughter, like wind through dry leaves.

“Or mebe, Joan of Bark,” Pat wheezed. “Or what about… Pslam.”

Mary clutched her chest again before whispering, “Baby Fleasus?”

Now it was Pat’s turn to look as though she’d been struck. She blessed herself before suggesting, “You’ve taken it too far as usual, Mary. Too far.”

And then the header at the front of the queue finished his epic fag selection and Pat and Mary were lost to me forever. True story!

On with the programming!

First up this week (in no particular order) is Inside Dubai: Playground of the Rich (Monday at 9pm on BBC2)…

Drenched in sun, luxury and excess, what is it really like to live in the desert paradise of Dubai, an ultra-modern tax haven for the super-rich?

Alternatively, Stealing Van Gogh (Monday at 8pm on BBC4)…

Andrew Graham-Dixon examines the world of high art and organised crime, as he uncovers the true story behind the greatest art heist of the 21st century, when two priceless paintings were stolen from the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam in December 2002. Andrew travels across Europe meeting policemen, art experts and prosecutors to try and find out what really happened to the stolen masterpieces.

Or, Martin Clunes: Island of the Pacific (Thursday at 9pm on ITV)…

The actor and presenter begins his tour of the Pacific islands in French Polynesia, where he takes a trip on a Polynesian outrigger canoe. Martin swims with sharks, investigates Marlon Brando’s wildlife programme, and sails to the remote Marquesas to meet a horse whisperer.

And lastly, the film, The Sisters Brothers is now showing on iPlayer.

Western starring John C Reilly, Joaquin Phoenix and Jake Gyllenhaal. Gunslingers Charlie and Eli Sisters are hired to find and kill a kindly chemist who possesses a unique method for gold prospecting. However, the chemist is being protected by the brothers’ supposed associate, detective John Morris, which makes this simple bounty hunt far more complicated than expected.