By 
I’ve been thinking about buying a gun. I have this thought every time I look out into my back garden to see deer crapping all over the lawn and hoofing up the place. As far as I know, it’s legal to shoot a deer so long as it’s on your own land – and you are legally entitled to own the firearm firing the shot.
“I’m thinking about buying a gun,” I announced at the dinner table one evening last week. All heads snapped towards me – even Waffle’s.
Let’s just say my half-suggestion went the same way as my motorbike plan – to wit – I am prohibited from having either, so long as I am living with other people and they have a say in my errant plans.
“There will be no guns about here,” was the final comment on the matter.
I was thinking about thinking about buying a gun again this morning when the deer came back.
“Steeping about as if they own the place,” I told Waffle, who whined as if in agreement. “Next thing you know they’ll be knocking on the door and asking for a cup of sugar.”
A few minutes later, as I was enjoying my morning’s tea and toast, I happened across an article on my phone about an American man who had been seriously injured after his dog shot him in the back. I checked to make sure this wasn’t a post from a parody account and assured that it wasn’t (it was ABC News), I read on.
Unsurprisingly, the man wasn’t named in the piece but the article did explain that the victim was a 53-year-old from Pennsylvania.
The article detailed that the man informed police after the incident that he had been cleaning a shotgun before placing it on his bed. The man then proceeded to sit down on the bed at which time one of his dogs jumped onto the bed causing the weapon to discharge a round into the man’s lower back. Consequently, the gun-owner was rushed to hospital for emergency surgery.
Finishing the article I glanced at Waffle who was, as usual, staring at me with ferocious intensity as if he might be able to hypnotise me into sharing my toast. He couldn’t and I didn’t.
“You wouldn’t shoot me in the back with a shotgun, Waffle, sure you wouldn’t,” I said.
Waffle didn’t answer. He just cocked his head to one side as if sensibly considering the statement.
While I am personally sceptical about the man’s dog being responsible for the shooting, I am acutely aware that stranger things have happened. I mean, the man hardly shot himself in the back although the article also pointed out that a relative had been in the house at the time of the shooting.
Then I reminded myself that there is a large swath of Americans that wouldn’t be too wise. Also, there are more guns than people in America and more than that, the Second Amendment makes it practically impossible not to have a gun. Accidents do happen.
All of this reminded me, of course, about my own haverings about purchasing a firearm. Would I ever be so blasé about such a possession that I’d dump in on the bed after murdering some deer?
Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something: If the seed has already been planted about a dog accidentally shooting me in the back, perhaps Waffle and I probably shouldn’t be entrusted with anything that fires more than abuse.
For the time being at least, the deer can have the garden. I’ll keep the toast and Waffle can keep pretending he’s the sensible one in this house.
