Parenting with the times

By Shannon Hollywood

My first phone was a Nokia 5110 – anyone else pining for those simpler times?

I thought I’d always have this phone, and that, someday, I would even complete the ‘Snake’ game.

Alas, technology has changed drastically, and is constantly making the ways we communicate more efficient. Therefore, it stands to reason that if I continued to use a Nokia 5110 today, I wouldn’t be communicating in the most effective way for the world we live in.

Now that I’ve completely given away my age, we can take this concept and apply it in a broader scope. The world around us is constantly changing, so we need to adapt the things we do in order to ensure that we are getting the best from them.

Parenting is no different.

In the 1920s and ‘30s, parenting experts, such as Truby King and John B Watson, introduced strict, authoritarian ideas with regards to parenting. An example of this from Mr Watson was when he famously said that ‘if you need to show your child affection, a simple hand shake will suffice’.

The idea was that affection and love would give children unrealistic ideas of the ‘real world’, and make them dependent rather than self-sufficient.

These authoritarian concepts, while not as extreme, have been reinforced throughout the years by Gina Ford and Jo Frost (Supernanny), who advocate for a no-nonsense approach to parenting. Gina Ford advocates for strict parent-imposed routines, while the famous ‘naughty chair’, popularised by Supernanny, continues to be used by parents the world around.

We have a problem, though: These typical authoritarian approaches don’t fit with the fundamental needs of our children and young people.

Although theorists such as Spock, Winnicott and Bowlby have been highlighting a child’s need for love, affection and attention since the 1940s, we are now in a much better position scientifically, and fortunate enough to have more research than ever before in child development and neuroscience. This research consistently tells us that what children need is the care, compassion and the love of calm, responsive adults. Enter, you.

So, while we are no longer putting our children to bed with a handshake or leaving them outside for an hour a day to ‘cry it all out’, and we are making progress towards a world without corporal punishment, we still have a very long way to go. But, trust me when I say that this is a journey worth continuing.

‘Naughty’ or ‘thinking’ chairs, ignoring the ‘bad’ behaviour, rewarding the ‘good’, taking away phones/computers, grounding… All of these measures reinforce the same concepts of authoritarian discipline, as they lack the understanding of what children are actually capable of in line with their age and stage of development.

I should stop now and say that this is not about making parents feel bad, or telling you that you are doing it ‘wrong’. If you were reading this article seven years ago, I would have been advising you to use the very things I am now telling you not to.

Why?

Because things change.

Seven years ago, I was doing my very best for the parents I worked with, with the level of knowledge and understanding I had.

But if I continued to give that advice today, I would no longer be doing my best. Knowing better affords us the opportunity to do better for our children and the people we support.

As parents, we are all just doing our best for our children. Our best means changing with the times, being open-minded, and considering a new way. Now, more than ever, your children need you to be the person that they go to for reassurance and support. And in order for them to do that, they need to know that you accept them and love them – even when they are at their worst.

Remember my old Nokia 5110? As great and all is it was, and as fondly as I look back on those simpler times, I know that my life is made so much easier with the technology my current phone possesses.

If we have no problem upgrading our phones, I’m hopeful that upgrading our thinking around parenting will come on leaps and bounds.