I don’t care what anyone says, my phone is listening to me and it’s tracking my every conversation.
I mentioned this to a friend recently who astutely pointed out that the Alexa in my kitchen might be more of a culprit when it comes to relaying information to the all-seeing AI deity in the sky. I couldn’t argue with this assertion and told him so. However, I added, I don’t care that Alexa is eavesdropping and I don’t care that my phone is recording every word that comes out of mouth. I long ago concluded: I don’t work for the UN and I am not the custodian of state secrets. If Alexa and my phone enjoy hearing me roar at Waffle when he bokes up mouthfuls of food onto the kitchen floor or when he clambers onto the kitchen table in an attempt to nick a bag of crisps, they can tear away and fill their boots. In short, I have nothing to hide.
Most of the time, for example, when I notice ads online for shoes after I’ve mentioned I need a new pair of shoes and I conclude that someone has been tracking my conversations, I simply shrug and continue on my merry way. However in recent times – most likely because people have enquired about the welfare of my wee dog in earshot of my phone – I am seeing more and more canine related content on my phone and especially on social media. Until this week, I had simply shrugged and continued on my merry way but then I decided to click onto something which had become a bit of a repeat offender.
‘Woof Family’ is a public group on Facebook with almost 150,000 members and it was onto this repeat offender, that I clicked. I had actually clicked onto a picture of a cute little Bernese Mountain puppy and the post which was asking people to suggest a name for the tiny pup. I hoked through some of the suggestions and was surprised to learn that ‘Nugget’ was the most frequent submission. Anyways…
Since I was then on the page, I decided to have, in canine terms, a bit of a sniff around. That lasted as long as it took for me to decide that the public group wasn’t suitable for someone whose dog does their head in.
To paraphrase that esteemed Scot, Kevin Bridges when he was referring to social media, had Woof Family been a pub, after entering, I’d have had a quick glance around and then swiftly concluded the place was filled with headcases and then left.
There were people posting graphics of Jesus walking through heaven flanked by a pair of dogs. There were photos of sick dogs in bandages and there were, of course, the obligatory uninspiring quotes about dogs – “a stray dog is just a friend I haven’t met yet,” or “a day away from my dog’s side is a day wasted,” or “the world would be a nicer place if everyone learned to love as unconditionally as a dog.”
Gawd.
There was even a person posting a picture of their late dog on the anniversary of its death with a long and winding tale about how they hope that the deceased hound is looking down from heaven and “is being a good boy for Jesus.”
“Jesus, is right,” I told Waffle.
The post continued, “I hope you’re looking down on me, Crumpet (the name of the dead dog) and I hope we can be together again soon.
“I think of you every day and I pray that we will soon be reunited in Heaven.”
I told Waffle, “On Earth, Crumpet was probably a good boy when it came to fetching or sitting – unlike you – but I’m pretty sure God hasn’t given him an iPhone and opposable thumbs so that he can check what his former owner is up to on social media. Some people are mad for the likes, just.”
Strange aul place at the best of times, social media, but a support group for people with dead dogs really takes the (doggy) biscuit.
“You’re too cynical!” I can hear you say. And that might well be true.
But then again, so is social media. The big difference is, I don’t troll people who have a differing opinion to myself.
“You hear that, Alexa!
Had Woof Family been a pub, after entering, I’d have had a quick glance around and then swiftly concluded the place was filled with headcases and then left.
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