Home Schooling Week 4

 

Day 2..  Biff and chip are a**holes!  It is my honest opinion they are really a bit unrealistic.  Chip and Mum went to buy new shoes. Chip likes the blue ones, Mum likes the blue ones. Mum buys Chip the blue shoes…. ✋  Stop there… No Mum didn’t. Mum spent 2 hours apologising to the nice lady in the shop because Chip said he hates all the shoes and wanted a toy from B&M.  Chip said the shoe shop was stupid and smells funny and Mummy has to bribe Chip to get him to be quiet! Chip did like the blue shoes but Mum was not gonna waste her money  on blue shoes as Chip is only allowed to wear black shoes to school!!  Biff wants to play with Chip.  Biff loves Chip’s new shoes. Biff and Chip play in the mud.  Dad laughs.  Mum laughs ✋  Hang on a sec… in what actual world would this happen ? 

 

This is more accurate…

 

Dad told Chip to get his arse into the house cause he was boggin and his ma was gonna lose her s**t! Dad told Mum Chip was covered in mud and she should sort that out.  Mum knew her floors would be rotten again and told Chip she would turn the WiFi off if he took one more step in his muddy new shoes over her nice clean floor.  Mum thinks Dad is really getting on her last nerve these days and told him that he could wash the floors this time. Mum was busy finding all of Dad’s stuff that he had lost and supposedly looked everywhere for and still hasn’t managed to find!!!  She told the children that sometimes Daddy is a little bit like a toddler and she’s fed up being the only one who actually does anything round here.  Biff, Chip and Dad would miss her when she’s gone!

 

Day 3… Good morning to the world. 😁 I am strong, I am beautiful and I am worthy.  I spent the evening reading inspirational quotes on Facebook and I feel so much more optimistic this morning.  Did you know that children only need to feel safe and loved to be happy?  I also read a letter from a school principal,  he said we are not actually expected to be teaching our children during this world wide crisis, we are merely supervising their learning. what joy!

 

I’m currently watching them from the car, it looks to be going really well actually.  They are signalling to me… for a second I thought one of them was saying the little one had another crayon up his nose but it’s all good,  now I’m sure he is communicating that he knows he’s loved. Awww clever lad that one!

 

Day 4.. We’re just back from A&E.  They got the crayon out but said we should give it 3 to 5 days for the swelling to go down. John (my delivery man) was saying… now keep up… that his wife, was talking to her aunt, whose daughter’s neighbour’s son, (you still with me?)  is a teacher and he said the schools might not open until Easter!!! 😱

 

John is asking his boss if Hermes are hiring for me.  John says they are definitely key workers and can send their children to school and at least then I could deliver my own parcels.  John said that the Daddy asks him everyday if he’s casing the joint!  The Daddy says John seems to be at our door with parcels more than he is at home.  I think John agrees with Mummy that the Daddy is really rather annoying!!!

 

Fun Friday tomorrow.  I do need more crayons though, I might buy those chunky ones, that should discourage the children from sticking them into holes on their faces 🤔

 

Day 5… It turns out that you can get a chunky crayon up your nose,  in fact, that can be achieved while you also have a Crayola twistable up the other nostril. Who knew!!!

 

OK, so it needs to be said, the alphabet used to be a thing we learnt, we used it, we sang it and happy days, words got spelt. Everyone was fine reading and writing all sorts.  Move on a few years and then boom along came phonics! 

 

They aren’t letters now, they are sounds!  Your kid is over there reading, sounding like he has a swollen tongue, a bad case of hiccups and an itchy ear.  Grand… we will run with it. Then they introduce actions for each sound. Now your reading sounds like Chewbacca with a throat infection and you look like you are dancing the Macarena after 4 daiquiris and a vodka chaser.  I suppose I can see why it works but these kids are gonna look like right clowns giving a presentation at work when they get big!!

 

John says I should take 5 minutes for myself,  he didn’t think I was as stressed through the last lockdown.  He also wondered did I ever use the glow in the dark egg poachers.  I told John I wouldn’t see him for a few days as the Daddy has changed the Amazon password.  John says Daddy is a brave man.  I said that I thought the delivery of our new environmentally friendly cruelty free, extra insulated rabbit hutch was the last straw for the Daddy!  How does he know we won’t ever get a rabbit?  This time last year, we didn’t think it would be the highlight of our week watching the bin men empty the bins, yet here we are.  Every Tuesday we are stuck to the window with our thank you key worker signs.

 

I’m not even going to bother with a glass this evening,  straight from the bottle save the washing up!  Happy weekend #homeschoolheroes