You’re too modest…

There are few breeds of people harder to stomach than those who we would colloquially call ‘blows’.

For those new to the term, the word blow in this context comes from the common expression, ‘to blow your own trumpet’.

Around these parts (he writes in the fanciful hope that some readers might be from other parts), it is used to describe a person who is prone to making a major deal out of even their most minor accomplishments.

In fact, the word ‘accomplishments’ is too kind here.

For a true blow will not only claim glory for things which not only cannot reasonably be considered ‘accomplishments’, but they will also seek esteem for things that have virtually nothing to do with them.

For example, I once heard a man who had just returned from Portugal boast about how sunny it was the entire time he was there.

I mean, come on.

However, if that is not enough, allow me to continue to sketch out the kind of character we are talking about.

A blow is the sort of person who will tell you all about the bonus they got from work – and will not spare you a nauseating explanation of the boss’s rationale for deeming them deserving of said bonus.

A blow will boast about the impossibly-short time it used to take them to drive home (especially ‘if the road was clear’) when they worked in Monaghan.

A blow will use a feigned interest in astrology as a pretence to talk about the number of stars their resort had when they visited Rome in 2013.

A blow will cause you to miss round four’s quiz questions because they are too busy reminiscing about the answers they got right in round three.

When you become the victim of an all-out offensive from a big-time blow, minutes turn to hours and hours turn to days.

I have seen myself walking away from 20 minute talks with these sorts of people feeling like I had just been liberated from six months on a Somali pirate ship.

However, though the motivation of the blow is shallow, solipsistic and self-aggrandising, their impact on others is arguably less harmful that the damage done by their seemingly-sound antithesis: The pathological downplayer.

Where the blow cannot help but inflate everything they do, the downplayer cannot take credit where credit is due.

They are allergic to praise, embarrassed by attention, and therefore practice extreme modesty wherever possible.

However, though the downplayer believes they are doing the right thing by diminishing all that is good about themselves, it is my belief that they actually make people feel worse than their self-infatuated opposites do.

For example, if you pass remark on the fact that a blow has lost a heap of weight, you will be forced to listen to lengthy monologue all about it.

You will hear how their personal trainer now playfully – but semi-seriously – has taken to calling them by the name of some gorgeous Hollywood actor.

You will end up knowing more about their diet and exercise routine than you do about your own.

And, by the close of their self-lavishing lecture, you will probably want to tear you hair out.

However, as you walk away and look at your own physique, you will probably feel pretty good about yourself, given that you are in almost as good of shape as the blow, and, as they made abundantly clear during your half hour captivity, they have basically been sculpted in the image and likeness of Zues.

You might think to yourself, “I would rather have picked my own eyeballs out than have endured another two minutes of that, but, Jesus, I feel great about myself.”

Compliment the pathological downplayer on their newfound figure, however, and they will tell you how they are still in terrible nick, they don’t do half enough exercise (even though it is twice as much as you do), and they still have a very long way to go.

Walking away from this interaction you are likely to look down at what you had previously considered your perfectly fine frame, and begin to reevaluate it entirely.

“Jesus Christ, if he has a long way to go, I don’t even want to think about how far I have to travel.”

In building themselves up, the blow can inadvertently boost other people, too.

Conversely, in trying to shrink their achievements and minimise their successes, the modest person risks accidentally bringing others down with them.

So, next time you are about to tell somebody how underwhelmed you are with yourself, be mindful that you might be telling them that they don’t have much to be proud of either.