The true value of an Irish wake…

In the same way that the physical character of County Tyrone is defined by our rolling hills and heathered moorlands, there are features belonging to our cultural landscape that distinguish us from the rest of the world as well.

Around the globe, death is commemorated, sanctified and celebrated in different ways.

The customs and traditions surrounding the loss of life vary from place-to-place, culture-to-culture, and people-to-people.

However, just as we are apt to take for granted the green fields that we grow up seeing everyday, so, too, are we inclined to overlook the worth of some of our most precious ancient practices.

Recently, a study by Ulster University suggested that traditional Irish wakes may play a ‘more important role’ in helping people cope with grief than we previously appreciated.

The findings of the study, which involved more than 2,000 people, seem to suggest there is something in the ritualistic tea-making, sandwich-eating and storytelling, which helps galvanise the grieving – if only slightly – against the full force of one’s loss.

The research looked specifically at something called prolonged grief disorder (PGD), which is described as an ‘enduring yearning for the deceased persisting for more than six months’.

In Ireland, about 10.9 per-cent of grieving people who participated in the research met the disorder’s criteria. In the UK, that figure was 15.3 per-cent. That is a difference of almost 50 per-cent.

Trying to make sense of the statistical disparity, the authors of the research suggested that the explanation might lie in the cultural differences between how the two neighbouring nations deal with death.

“In Ireland, it is customary to hold a wake (social gathering prior to a funeral) during which family, friends, neighbours, work colleagues and acquaintances can come to pay their respects and support the bereaved,” the researchers detailed.

Going further, they said, “Hence, it may be that there is a greater sense of community within Irish bereavement culture, with it being widely established that social support plays a key role in determining the ability of the bereaved to adjust to their loss.”

Intrigued by their findings, but not quite content with their commentary, we spoke with a local undertaker who we hoped might be able to shed some light on the part wakes play in modifying the mourning process for Irish people.

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Jay Maguire has been the owner of Maguire’s Funeral Service in Omagh since 1984. When it comes to wakes, few are better versed.

“As soon as we get the call, we have to act immediately. People are so lost that they just don’t know what to do. Sometimes, it is almost like they think you can bring them back,” began the veteran mortician.

When Jay is first notified that a person has passed away, he goes to meet the family and begins working with them to make arrangements.

“Where will they be waked? What clothes are they going to wear? What church will their Mass or service be in? When will their Mass or service take place? Will they be buried or cremated? Where will their remains be interred? What readings will be said in the church? What music will be played? Will there be canopies or heaters needed at the wake house?

“There is a lot to organise and my job is take charge and lift as much pressure off the family as I possibly can.”

In a powerful image evoking the desperation and helplessness that is so often part of grief’s complex signature, Jay described grieving people as ‘standing with their arms out looking for help’.

“Giving them someone to grab onto, being somebody who can help hold them up – that is the role of the relatives, friends and neighbours, and the wake creates the space for people to do that.”

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Almost everybody reading this will be familiar with the rhythms of a wake house; the industrious aunties that take over the kitchen; the solemn queue that weaves its way through the house; the strange mixture of hearty laughter and inconsolable sobbing.

“Wakes are a very important thing (because) grieving people need family and friends at that time; it is all they have,” said Jay.

While you might think that 40 years of embalming corpses and conducting funerals might make a man numb to the sharp edge of grief, Jay has remained compassionate and sensitive to the pain people go through.

“It is one the hardest things you will experience in your life. I try to never forget that.”

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When exactly wakes became part of Irish life is unclear, but it is thought that they are one of our most enduring traditions. However, like all our customs and conventions, wakes have evolved through the years. As attitudes of wider society have shifted, so too have the workings of the Irish wake house.

Drinking, for example, was once standard practice at wakes, as people attempted to use mirth to either mask, mend or medicate their grief.

“Years ago, wakes went on all night; people drank, partied and might not have got a wink of sleep at all. It was seen as a time to celebrate.

“Though wakes still retain a certain element of celebration, there is not as much drinking, and often the doors are closed around ten o’clock.

Personally, I think this is a better, more respectful way to do it.

“It gives the close family time to rest after what can be a long day at the wake.”

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Turning to the question of whether we deal with death better in Ireland than our counterparts across the water, Jay was ambivalent, honest and thoughtful.

“For every country in the world, there is another way of handling death.

“I am not going to cast judgment on who is right and who is wrong. I am sure that friends and family in England and Wales are just as willing to support the bereaved as we are here.

“However, maybe the wake gives us an easier, more structured way of doing that.

“Then, of course, there are the long waits between death and burial which must make the process more difficult.

“People don’t know when to go back to work and that sort of thing.

“Here, it is much simpler: Everything stops until after the funeral.”

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Jay also remarked on the differences between rural wakes and urban wakes.

“Generally speaking, country wakes are big, and the whole countryside comes.

“In towns, it is often only the friends, family and immediate neighbours that go.

“Even when people are being waked in my funeral home, if it is a country person being waked, there could be 100 people show up. If it is a town person, you might only get 20.

“It is not always the way, but often it is. I’m not sure why this is.

“Maybe it is because in the town, we tend to keep to ourselves a bit more. In the country, there is a bit more of an ‘everybody knows everybody’ thing going on.”

However, when it comes to loss, Jay said that the old adage that ‘there is strength in numbers’ holds no water.

“It does not matter if there are five people there or 50 people there. As long as you have a good circle of friends and family that love you and are willing to support you, it does not matter how big or small it is.”