Mockeage

Thankfully, feedback to these musings has been largely positive over the years. From genuine enquiries into Waffle’s health, queries as to my own mental health and the odd comment pertaining to specific articles, the response to our canine related adventures has been mostly encouraging.

Waffle has even received birthday cards on occasion, clergymen have commented on his happy countenance and I once had dissident republicans complain that I didn’t bring the hound along to the clandestine meeting.

However, despite what the stoics might say, sometimes complaints can be difficult to forget.

First there was that lengthy complaint which I received from a dog trainer who basically suggested that I was on the wrong track with Waffle and that I needed to rethink my training regime.

Admittedly, this wasn’t the worst thing they could have said but I suspect they were taking The Wuff with the Smooth too seriously / missing the point.

Then there was the woman who climbed right down out of her tiny tree to complain that I had Waffle in the car on a warm day. She wasn’t criticising this column but rather, was concerned (needlessly so) about Waffle’s welfare.

Most memorably though, there was an incident recently during a brief visit to one of our local villages.

I won’t name the village in question except to say, there are probably lots of good people living there and I merely had the misfortune of bumping into the village idiot.

I had parked the car outside the local shop and I was on the hunt for a bottle of something bubbly and cool to wash the trail dust from my gullet.

It was a warm day and with nary a cloud in the blue above, I had been in good spirits.

It’s funny how it only takes one mentalist to cloud your day.

On my way back to the car after my purchase in the shop, I was reattaching headphones to my lugs when I sensed rather than heard a man harangue me from the right.

Removing the headphones, I turned expecting to recognise the person; I hadn’t heard their initial comments due to Wolf Alice blaring through the buds. “You’re a germ…” Ellie Rowsell was singing. Little did I know.

When I realised I didn’t actually know the man, I adopted what I hoped was a ‘can-I-help-you’ expression one that didn’t belie my ‘I-hope-you-re-not a fuppen-mentalist’ sentiment.

Dressed in jeans and a brown leather jacket, the man strode up to me with a mien which suggested I’d just spat in his face and then laughed about it.

“No-one gives a fiddlers about your stupid dog,” he all but spat into my face and then he strode off towards the shop, with only a brief backward glance.

There was, in truth, a single additional word in his short sentence, one I’m sure you know. It was positioned after ‘fiddlers.’

Not really shocked but naively still thinking the man would turn and laugh, I stood looking at his brown leather back until he disappeared.

Was he drunk? Did I know him but had misplaced his face? Did that actually happen?

I had no answers, although in hindsight I could only conclude that some people just can’t avoid taking offence – perceived or otherwise. I like to call it mockrage.

After climbing back into the car and taking a slug of my water, I returned Wolf Alice to my ears and drove off.

It was only later when I was describing the episode for a friend that I realised that yer man in the leather jacket reminded me of a story.

British-American author and journalist, Christopher Hitchens was speaking at a seminar of some description when he recounted a tale featuring the renowned Englishman, Dr Samuel Johnston, the creator of one of the first comprehensive dictionaries in the English language (circa 1755).

Christopher Hitchens told how, when the great man had finished his seminal dictionary, he was “waited upon” by various delegations of people wanting to congratulate him.

He was also visited by a delegation from the Respectable Ladies of London who said, “Dr Johnson we are delighted to find that you’ve not included any indecent or obscene words in your dictionary.”

The doc replied, “Ladies, I can congratulate you on being able to look them up.”