Notes from the Boneyard: Out to get you

By Mark McCausland

Navigating your way through an airport while protecting your sanity is something of a well honed art form.

There are many hazards.

From security checks to narky airline employees, make no mistake, they are out to get you.

The entire system is designed to make you snap.

That’s why they have a bar at every turnaround.

It drives you to drink.

They wanna squeeze every penny from you while at the same time drive you around the bend.

Don’t fall for it.

It’s like an obstacle course.

A battle ground.

Keeping your cool is key.

Sidestep their traps when you see them.

Only then will you reach the other side with your sanity intact.

Take off.

No matter how many times I’m on a plane, I can’t help but think of the insanity of hurtling through the sky at an incredible rate while being sat inside a huge chunk of metal.

It defies all logic.

But then again, nothing much makes sense these days.

The pilot comes on the speaker to tell us to ‘sit back and relax’.

Yeah right.

That’s the kind of thing a dentist says before sticking a drill in your mouth.

No wonder people get blind drunk on planes.

I understand it now.

And notice how they serve drink on these things like it’s a brewery?

It’s almost encouraged, to the point where some airlines even dish out free beverages throughout the duration of the flight.

Where else would you get such a treat.

An open bar at 10,000 feet.

It’s a nice day for a flight as it happens.

Blue sky and all that. It makes for a more pleasant journey, and everyone is 5 per-cent less uptight.

You even get time for one of those naps that doesn’t quite count as sleep, but you aren’t awake either… it’s something in between.

You begin your descent and the bump of the wheels as they hit the tarmac snaps you out of your daze.

Splash down.

Now then… getting off this vessel and making your way through another airport is gonna be another test on your nervous system.

But you are ready for it.

You stay seated while the entire plane are standing up.

Even though the doors are still locked.

What’s the rush?

Nobody is going anywhere for at least ten minutes.

A baby starts to scream.

People are getting ratty.

But not you.

You are wiser than that.

It’s just another one of those traps designed to break you, and you know it.