Conor Sharkey’s Pick Of The Week

GADGET

I was in the barbers the last day. They’re funny places barbers. The one I go to, in pre-Covid times, you could get your hair cut and your ear pierced at the same time.

It’s like going to a shoemakers that also cuts keys. Two completely unrelated services available in the one place.

Anyway, back to the barbers. I was sitting there reading a magazine (Did you know Ford have stopped making the Sierra?) when the fella in the chair caught my attention: “Aye, his wife has taken up with his brother. That would be my worst nightmare, my Angela running off with that clown brother of mine.”

I was desperate to tell him that my worst nightmare would be sitting on the toilet and a hidden snake attacking my you-know-what. But I said nothing about it.

The stuff you hear in the course of a day’s ear-wigging, eh?

Now, a gadget. Let me see: The Big Bento Box of Unuseless Japanese inventions.

If you like useless stuff, get this. It’s €16.44 from bookdepository.com.

WHAT HAPPENED TO?

Here’s something I read the last day and I had to go and check because I didn’t believe it: The best before date on a bag of crisps will always fall on a Saturday.

It’s because of each factory’s production run apparently. It’s a wee bit complicated but Google it and you’ll be able work it out. Barry McGuigan’s nettle crisps, remember them? They stank.

Now, what ever happened to Wilson from Castaway?

I watched Castaway over Christmas and I got to wondering whatever became of him or her.

Well, Wilson was born in Vancouver in 1967, his real name being Tommy Sparkplug. Tommy studied politics at the University of Ontario before finding work as a backing dancer for Kylie Minogue. In 1986 he took a job as a volleyball and was subsequently kidnapped by Tom Hanks. They ended up stuck on a deserted island for over three years together before Sparkplug – He always refused to recognise his slave name of Wilson – managed to make good his escape.

Now aged 54, Tommy works in a launderette in Tipperary.

His lawsuit against Tom Hanks is ongoing.

PARTY CONOR 1997

“Sharkey, who had a 1983 with the song ‘Girls Just Want to Have Fun?’ And you get a bonus point if you can tell me who sang the original.”

“What about this Rob, you shut your mouth for five minutes and I won’t jam these bras where you wouldn’t show your ma. All day every day I have to stand here and listen to you asking bloody pop questions.”

“Sharks, what are you getting your knickers in a knot about? I’m just trying to brighten up your day here in crapsville. The answer by the way was Cyndi Lauper and the bonus answer was Robert Hazard.”

“I’m not sleeping too well Rob, that’s what’s making me ratty. I hit the hay about 10pm and then I’m having mad dreams all night. You know who was in my dream last night? Jon Pertwee, the third Dr Who. And you know who he was singing with? Sinead from the front office. They were doing a duet of Islands in the Stream.”

“Kenny and Dolly, 1982. But who wrote it Sharkey?”

“Bob, I’m going to boot you in the Kenny Rogers.”

SOCIAL MEDIA SEWAGE

Naw you did not see me realise I was walking in the wrong direction yesterday, and then pretend I got a phone call that was so important that it absolutely forced me to turn around and walk the other way.

You definitely didn’t see that, no way.

You’ve done it too, I know rightly you have.

This week’s ‘social media sewage’ is a blast from the past. I saw it and was straight back in the 1980s with my ma shouting about how “them trainers cost £18 and you’ve a hole in them already”.

It’s a Nell Mangel t-shirt. You remember her, she was an old biddy on Neighbours, always twitching the curtains and hugging the altar rails.

According to the seller, who’s looking £25 for it, this is a men’s t-shirt and is ULTRA RARE.

Imagine the women you would pick up if you rocked up into the bar wearing this bad boy.

“Is that Nell Mangel? That is so cool…” that’s what not one single woman would tell you. And there’s a good chance you’d get battered too.

WHAT WAS ON?

Ralph Macchio here today. Hit that yearometer a chop there Ralph. 1991? I’ll have a look. You can Miyagi yourself out the door there.

January 13, 1991 was a Sunday. Or if you are learning Lithuanian, it was a Sekmadienis.

George Bush Snr was in the White House and if it’s your birthday today you share it with Orlando Bloom and Liam Hemsworth.

Top of the pops this week in 1991 had the excellent song Sadness Part One by Enigma and in Omagh Cinema’s Studio Two they were showing Almost an Angel starring Paul Hogan.

You were almost tipsy though and could have been sipping happily in Strabane’s Deer’s Head where The Two Pats were doing their thing.

In Flann O’Brien’s, Strabane, Bobby Moore was centre stage while in the Ballymagorry Arms you had Sunshine.

Sally O’Brien’s in Omagh had Pio and the Blarney Roses in making some noise while in the Cellar Bar, Omagh, Aidan McGale was rocking. The Sperrin Trio were ripping up McGuigan’s, Gortin, too.

What a time to be alive eh?

THAT’S CLASSIFIED

I’ve decided to produce a set of guidelines for approaching me while I’m enjoying my Friday evening pints.

If you want to have a level, sensible conversation, offer to buy me a pint first.

My problem is though that not everyone reads this column. Like the fella who sidled up on Friday evening while I was having my pints.

“Joo still work in the pipper?”

“I don’t sir, I joined the priesthood.”

“Probably just as well, sure nobody’s buying pippers no more. I knowed a man who buyed the pipper every day. But he’s dead now.”

But then he uttered the four magic words.

“Joo want a pint,” he asked.

Me and him are besties now. See how easy it is?

A quick classified advert from this week in 1976 and then I’m out of here.

Desmond Motors, Bridge Street, Strabane, announced the winner of their free petrol draw. The lucky winner was Mr S Connolly, 5 Bridge Street, Strabane. Nice one sir, anything free is usually pretty good.

Stay safe and cyber safe. Almighty love folks.x