Inhalation

“I see yer man Trump is back again,” the elderly man uttered to his friend at Mass.

We were in the local community hall for this particular Sabbath’s prayers of praise, and, after the necessaries had been completed (go in peace to love and serve the Lord etc etc), tea, juice and bikkies were served up for all parishioners. It was, thus, a time to kick back with friends and neighbours, and contemplate the goings on with the world at large.

“Aye,” the elderly man’s friend inhaled in reply. I could tell from his voice that this man, too, had seen a great many summers, although his next words told me in no uncertain terms that he was no fan of the former president.

“I see he’s still as bad luckin’ as he was the last time – Jaysus, he’s a wile head on him,” he said, with a cough. “Them ‘Mericans must be all mental; to be votin’ for the likes of that header. Sure, you can tell by the luck of him, he’s not next or near wise.”

“Aye,” the first friend inhaled in turn. “I see, too, that he’s thinking about putting himself forward for the next pres’dential election.”

“Aye.” Inhalation. “Sure, come on ahead, sure. Why not? The place isn’t half mad enough since you left.”

“Or glorious and tremendous,” the first friend chuckled.

“Aye!” agreed second friend. “He loves saying glorious and tremendous. But there’s nothing glorious or tremendous about that head. A long weekend in Lough Derg would do that man the power of good.

“He’d probably try and buy the place and turn it into a golf course.”

“He would?!” snapped second friend. “He’d be struck down by lightening before he even got his shoes aff.”

Both friends laughed wheezily at this, before second friend piped up, “I’d say by the luck of him, he eats a fair bit more than dry toast and tae.”

“Aye.” Inhalation.

The friends sat in silence for a while as the community centre buzzed with a hundred different conversations. The complimentary tea, juice and bikkies were going down a storm, with some people even queuing for a second cup. Without being too blatant about things, I resolved to turn around at some stage so as to ascertain the indentities of these two gentlemen. Maybe I’d even know one of them.

“Packie?” asked the first friend.

“Eh?” Inhalation.

“How do you know that Donald Trump is looking through your key-hole?”

“I dunno, Seamie,” admitted the second friend. “How do you know Donald Trump is looking through your key-hole?”

“You can see both his eyes.”

The sound of muffled, wheezing laugher sounded like a gust of wind gushing in and around overhead cables.

Just then an announcement was made to wish another local man a happy birthday, and everyone applauded. Moments later, and as delicately as I could, I unobtrusively craned my neck as though it was stiff, so as to catch a glimpse of the two non-Trump fans. But they were gone. The best I could make out were two tweed sports jackets disappearing through the hall’s double doors.

True story.

So, to distract ourselves from Trump’s dystopian madness, you could do worse than this lot.

First up, and in no particular order, is MOTD: FIFA World Cup 2022 Highlights (Monday at 10.40pm on BBC1)…

Action from three group matches on the second day of the tournament in Qatar – England v Iran at Khalifa International Stadium in Doha; USA v Wales at Ahmad bin Ali Stadium in Al Rayyan; and Senegal v Netherlands at Al Thumama Stadium in Doha. Presented by Gabby Logan.

Alternatively, Tokyo Vice (Tuesday at 9.10pm on BBC1)…

Ansel Elgort stars as American journalist Jake Adelstein who is trying to make it big in Tokyo, but he quickly learns not to ask too many questions if he knows what is good for him. After joining forces with the police department, he soon finds himself in a fast-paced world of crime, corruption and deceit. Crime drama in English and Japanese with English subtitles.

And lastly, what about, Jimi Hendrix Experience: Music, Money, Madness in Maui (Saturday at 9pm on BBC2)…

Documentary about the guitarist and his band’s visit to Hawaii, and how they became ensnared with ill-fated movie, ‘Rainbow Bridge’, which was produced by their manager, Michael Jeffery. Featuring footage of performances by the band and interviews with bassist Billy Cox and drummer Mitch Mitchell, as well as Warner Brothers executives, and several Rainbow Bridge cast members and director Chuck Wein.