Society stumbles on

If you’re reading this it means that Putin didn’t push the button over the weekend and by and large, society stumbles on.

The situation made for grim reading at the time of writing on Friday, though. All able-bodied Russian men were high-tailing it to the border with Georgia or they were borrowing dresses and high heals, as the threat of conscription had hit home. Traffic queues had built up at the border with other people crossing on foot. Rumour had it that instead of the mooted 300,000 men that were needed to advance the Russian cause in Ukraine, up to one million were going to be needed.

One Russian student (who of course did not want to be named as he didn’t want to be brushing his teeth with novichok the following morning) framed the latest development perfectly. Suggesting Russians had finally woken up, he said, “They opened their eyes and started thinking about where to hide their children. Now people understand what’s happening because it affects them directly.”

Part of the problem, obviously, is that there is no free press in Russia and everything that is written or broadcast has to be sanctioned by the government. That means, the truth never outs in the way that it does here.

Imagine a journalist in Russia saying, for example, “Vladimir Putin looks like a clown with no make-up on and his breath smells like out of date milk.” Brushing his teeth with novichok would be the least of that reporter’s worries. The repercussions would be much, much worse and for a start, they’d likely be relocated to a Gulag for a long weekend’s re-education.

Just in case you’re reading this, Vladimir, I don’t think you look like a clown at all and I’d say with all certainty that your breath smells of Mentos and rosewater.

One can never be too careful.

But perhaps that is what has been wrong with this situation the whole time. People are afraid of Putin when they should be ganging on up him and telling him to eff off.

The ultimate downside to all of this, which is to say, the war in Ukraine, is that there still seems to be a long, long way to go before there’s going to be any kind of closure. So long as Putin remains in power, the bigger the refugee crisis will become and the more people will die – to say nothing of the burgeoning energy crisis affecting Europe.

You think politicians here are out of touch with reality? Putin is a man apart. He doesn’t care if people die, even his own. He doesn’t care if the world economy is wrecked for years to come. All he cares about is his stupid image and latterly, his so-called legacy. Unfortunately, he’s already too blinkered to realise that he is arguably the most hated person in the universe, this side of Thanos – and Thanos was arguably more handsome.

And we thought the world had it bad with Trump (or ‘Trumph’ as they call him in my local).

Bring back the Donald, all is forgiven.

If you’ve got a TV control in your hand and you’re about to switch on the telly, that means that Putin didn’t push the button. Try this lot on for size…

First up is Inside Man (Monday at 9pm on BBC1)…

Drama following the stories of four strangers whose lives intertwine in a deadly way. In the US, a prisoner on death row is seeking atonement as he faces execution. On a train in England, a journalist is looking for a story. In a quiet little village, a vicar is picking up his son’s maths tutor from the station. All four are about to become entangled in a dilemma that could lead one of them to murder. Starring David Tennant and Stanley Tucci.

Alternatively, Trouble at Top Shop (Monday at 9pm on BBC2)…

It was once the coolest shop on the High Street, loved by teens worldwide. How did this global fashion icon go from Kate Moss and Beyoncé collabs to closing its doors for good?

Or, Jimmy Carr’s I Literally Just Told You (Monday at 10pm on Channel4)…

Jimmy Carr hosts a football-themed celebrity special of the game show in which contestants John Barnes, Gabby Logan, Harry Redknapp and Sue Smith are given every answer with the questions written, literally, as the show is happening. With each correct answer adding more cash to their prize pot, the competitors have to keep their focus and remember the things they’ve seen and heard just minutes before. In the dramatic finale, the remaining two contestants set each other questions.

And lastly, Stanley Tucci: Searching for Italy shows Sunday at 8.20pm on BBC2. The first installment of the second series, this is super-sedate, extra snugly TV.

The American actor travels across Italy to discover more of the secrets and delights of the country’s regional cuisines.