The power’s in the eyes – At Home

If only the war in Europe could be settled by single combat. Alas, alas… Fair play to Elon Musk and all, for calling out the Russian bully (he challenged Putin to single combat last week with Ukraine as the skates), but I think if such a matter was going to be settled in such a way, Ukraine and the rest of the civilised world wouldn’t want the fate of eastern Europe resting in Mr Musk’s soft hands.

No harm to you, Mr Musk but by the looks of you a sharp wind would take you out, never mind going up against the Vlad the New Impaler. That man used to be in the KJB. He also practices judo and by the looks of him, I’d say he has already killed people stronger than you with his bare hands and for no other reason other than he wanted to. Sure, look at the head on him! He obviously only has two default settings: Silence and rage.

It reminds of a time I interviewed a sheep farmer about sheepdog trials. I remember asking him about what makes one dog better than another when it comes to herding sheep and I’ll never forget what he said. “The power’s in their eyes,” he said, narrowing his own eyes for effect.

By this he meant that a good dog can transmit via a look alone its intentions to disembowel the sheep and eat their sweetbreads if they don’t do its bidding.

Which is exactly the same look Putin has any time he’s awake and which is exactly why his underlings are herded as per his bidding.

They know from that look that he will eat their sweetbreads without hesitation.

No, no, Mr Musk, you cannot be the civilised world’s duelist in single combat against the Russian dog with mean eyes. Even I reckon I’d have bother with Vlad; because, as everyone knows, I’m one one of the hardest men this side of Christianity. No, no, Mr Musk, for that task we will require someone with the necessary skill-set to dismantle the Russian bully. Someone like Chuck Norris because as everyone knows, Chuck Norris is the hardest man on both sides of Christianity. How hard is chuck Norris?

Chuck Norris is so hard, instead of peeing his name in the snow, he pees his name into concrete.

Also, There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

If only the war in Europe could be settled by single combat. Alas, alas… Chuck would be our man.

Meanwhile, if you looking for more sense than this column provides, switch the telly on to let it warm up and try these on for size.

First up (and in no particular order) is Then Barbara Met Alan (Monday at 9pm on BBC2)…

Drama telling the disability civil-rights love story of two cabaret performers, who met at a gig, fell in love, and became the driving force behind an unprecedented campaign of direct action that ultimately led to the passing of the 1995 Disability Discrimination Act. Ruth Madeley stars as comedian and activist Barbara Lisicki, and Arthur Hughes as singer-songwriter and activist Alan Holdsworth.

Alternatively, British Grandma on Death Row with Susanna Reid (Tuesday at 9pm on ITV)…

The presenter travels to Texas to meet grandmother Linda Carty, the only British woman on death row anywhere in the Western world. Convicted in 2003 of the murder of young mum Joanna Rodriguez so she could steal her new born son, Linda has been awaiting execution for almost 20 years.

Susanna hears her story and interviews lawyers in both sides of this incredibly horrific case.

And lastly, The Simpler Life shows Tuesday at 9.15pm on Channel4…

Reality show in which 24 people leave behind their jobs and homes for an extraordinary six months cut off from the modern world on a remote farmstead in Devon. Here they will live by the principles of the Amish community, which rejects modern values and technology, eating what they sow and harvest themselves, and going to bed by candlelight when the sun goes down. In the first edition, the volunteers are touched by the beauty of Devon’s landscape and the satisfaction of honest physical toil. But the limited selection of food proves frustrating for some.