The God Slot: Regrets

by Father Declan Boland

Peace is one of the greatest gifts we can have, especially peace in our own hearts. Jesus tells us in John 14:27, “Peace I leave you, my own peace I give you, a peace the world cannot give this is my gift to you.” When we lose someone very dear to us that peace of heart can easily be taken from us in the form of regrets, “I should have,” “I could have,” “If only I had them back for a day, this is what I would say, but I missed the opportunity, and now it is too late.”

Everyone experiences many losses throughout life, but the death of a loved one is unmatched for its emptiness and profound sadness. Your world stops. You know the exact time your loved one died – or the exact moment you were told. Your loss and the grief that accompanies it are very personal, different from anyone else’s. Others may share the experience of their losses. They may try to console you in the only way they know. But your loss stands alone in its meaning to you, in its painful uniqueness.

When a loved one dies we are often left with many regrets about all those things we wished we had said, all those things we wish we had done. We keep going back over things we wish we’d said and things we wish we hadn’t. We are all human. There are very few people who can say they don’t have even a small regret. Regrets are part of loss, and you are not alone in the experience of regret. There will always be regrets. You could have said “I love you,” one more time, you could have made more visits, the list is endless.

Regrets will always belong to the past and death has a cruel way of giving regrets more attention than they deserve. We are often unprepared for loss, so it is only natural that things will feel unfinished. We often don’t have the time to completely do everything we had hoped for. Very few people feel like they got to do it all, much less do it well. We will always a dream unfulfilled, a wish not yet granted. Chances are that no matter how much you did for your loved one, how you cared for them and loved them, there will always be something else you could have done . The “more” that we long for and crave is always there and always changing.

We all know intellectually that we won’t have our loved ones forever. But the mind does not inform matters of the heart. Regrets are of the heart, the yearning for more and the chance to always do it better. Do your best to make peace with as many regrets as possible. Instead of thinking about the things you did not do well, think of the countless thousand things you did to the best of your ability. It would be unrealistic to have done everything in life. It would also be just as unrealistic to have been perfect and have no regrets. Forgive yourself. Isn’t t it true that if you could have made better choices, you would have?

We can all be wise in hindsight. You did the best you could at that time of your life. Beware of the “shoulds” “coulds” and “oughts” that beat you up and destroy your peace of mind.

Sometimes grief can hold healing not only for the loss but for you as a person. If you have the courage to follow your feelings to their origin, they may be simple grief. But they may also go back to a deeper feeling.

Regrets will be part of grief, but if you follow the thread to its core, you may find a sense of wrongness that has been with you your whole life. This grief may provide the opportunity for an even greater healing.

In terms of regrets around our loved ones who have died, if there are things you wish you’d said, know that you can still say them in your heart to your loved one.

It’s never too late to say, “I’m sorry. Forgive me for the times I let you down, or when I was not there when you needed me, and I forgive you. Know that I love you and will always love you. I thank you for all the blessings and joy you brought me in my life.

Now that you are on the other side look after me from afar until in eternity we will meet again, where there will be no more separation, but only endless joy.”

After that, what else is there to regret?