By 
by Father Declan Boland
Traditionally the month of November is a special time when we remember our beloved dead – the ‘holy souls.’ Many of you reading this column are still grieving after the loss of a loved one, either recently or in the past. Today we look at the stages of grief made very popular by the author Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Hopefully they may help you in your own very personal, painful, and life-changing journey.
Denial
This does not mean that you literally don’t know your loved one has died. It means you come home and you can’t believe your wife isn’t going to walk in the door at any minute or that your husband isn’t just away for a few days on a business trip. You simply can’t fathom that she or he will never walk in the door again. When we are in denial, we may respond at first by being paralysed with shock or numbness. The denial is not a denial of the actual death, even though the person may say, “I can’t believe he’s dead.” The person is actually saying that, at first, because it is too much for his or her mind to take in.
This first stage of grieving helps us to survive the loss. In this stage the world becomes meaningless, life makes no sense. We wonder how we can go on. We struggle to get through each day. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle . To fully believe at this stage would be too much for our psyche.
Anger
This stage presents itself in many ways. It does not have to be logical or valid. You may be angry that you did not see this coming, and when you did, nothing could stop it. You may be angry with the doctors for not being able to save someone close to you. You may be angry that you’re left behind and you should have had more time together. Maybe you’re angry with God that he did not take care of your loved one. Anger is often at the front line as feelings of sadness, panic, hurt, and loneliness also appear, stronger than ever. Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Be willing to feel your anger even if it seems endless.
Underneath your anger is pain, your pain. Honour your anger by allowing yourself to be angry. Share it with fiends or family. Try walking, swimming, gardening – any type of exercise helps you externalise your anger. Do not bottle it up. Explore it. The anger is just another indication of the intensity of our love. You will come out the other end. The anger will subside, and the feelings of loss will change form again.
Bargaining
Before a loss it seems we will do anything, if only your loved one will be spared . “Please, God,” you bargain, “I will never never be angry with my wife again if you’ll just let her live.” After a death we get lost in a maze of “if only…” or !what if ….” statements. We want life returned to what it was; we want our loved one restored. We may even bargain with the pain. We will do anything not to feel the pain of this loss. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the pain. This is all because we find it so very hard to accept that our loved one is truly gone.
Depression
Grief can now enter our life at a deeper level. This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever. This is not a sign of mental illness rather it is an appropriate response to a great loss. To not experience depression after a loved one dies would be unusual. In grief, depression is a way for nature to keep us protected by shutting down the nervous system so that we can adapt to something we feel we cannot handle. Grief is a process of healing and depression is one of the many necessary steps along the way. Allow yourself to experience this stage of your journey.
Acceptance
We cannot change what has happened but we can change how we are around what has happened. We learn to live with our loss. As we heal and move through grief, this healing brings us closer to the person we loved. A new relationship begins. Acceptance is a process we experience, not a final stage with an end point. Little by little we withdraw our energy from the loss and begin to invest in life. We can never replace what has been lost but we can make new connections, follow new pursuits. We listen to our needs; we move, we change we grow, we evolve. We begin to live again, but we must give grief its time. Lastly, remember these are very loose categories and you may move in and out of them many times over many years.
