The God Slot: ‘Being there’ for others

By Fr Declan Boland

An unexpected difficulty or a heavy cross can be our lot at any given time. When it happens to a friend or neighbour, we don’t know what to do. We are literally “at a loss for words.” We want to help but at the same time we don’t want to intrude on the privacy of people either. We know all the usual outlets, cards, flowers, a scented candle, a text, a Mass Card, or we write a note from the heart. We simply feel the pain of the other and we want to help.

From time to time, all of us are called to be with others who are hurting, to support them in their struggle, to encourage, comfort and console. We have all done this thousands of times. Their painful situation asks us to patiently wait with them as they worry about what news that may be coming down the line, to give them hope in a time of darkness, just to be present and understanding in a nonjudgmental way.

Sometimes there is really nothing we can do except to “be there” for others who are facing some deep hurt. We don’t rush in with any superficial answers, or pretend we know what they are coming through. Our very presence, often in silence, with a handshake or a reassuring hug is all that is required. Think of the last time a bereavement occurred in the family circle. You might not remember what the people who came to the house actually said, but you will definitely remember that they took the time to be there and accompany you and the family at a time of great challenge.

We underestimate the value of “just being there.” In our production oriented Western culture it is difficult for many of us to really believe in the power of simply “being there” for someone else. There’s a voice in us that keeps insisting that we have to do something. That voice questions the effectiveness of presence. Is it enough to just listen? Is it sufficient to sit by the bedside? Can’t I say something that will make a difference? Something deep inside keeps trying to convince me that if I just know the ‘right’ thing to say or do, then both the hurting one and I will feel better. Sometimes words do help, but many times it is just “being there” that is most comforting and helpful.

Another difficulty about “being there” with a hurting person is that we will feel that person’s suffering. It is a tremendous challenge to be a compassionate person because when we are truly with the hurt of another, when we enter into that person’s pain, it is not a distant removed sort of thing. Who would choose to deliberately enter into suffering? Some may be there initially, but very few will hang around for the long haul.

Part of what makes “being there” difficult is that we can get caught up in our own drama. We are afraid of looking foolish or sounding stupid. Thus, we grow fearful and worry if what we say and do , or don’t say or do, will be the wrong thing; that we’ll look bad, or we won’t be able to help the other person. We may not realise the value of “being there” for a long time. We have to allow the others to dig deeply into their emotional trauma and we listen as a conduit of hope, light and encouragement. This compassionate listening, and avoiding the real temptation to jump and fix things, is the mark of a real Christian. It takes courage, patience and endless trust that there is a Healing Presence at a deeper level directing our thoughts and actions.

Mary is a wonderful example of silent compassion. She waited as her son slowly died. Her heart never left him as he suffered the dreadful brokenness of crucifixion. Although she could do nothing to stop the execution of Jesus, her presence beneath the cross was of the greatest comfort and encouragement to him as he hung there dying. The courageous presence of his mother was a wordless message of her unfailing love for him.

We also need others to be with us in our Golgotha moments. Whether we hang on our own cross or stand beneath another’s, we can be overwhelmed by intense emotions and feel the pain of acute loneliness.

Having others who silently and compassionately stand with us gives us the inner stamina to hold up under the emotional weight of what we are experiencing. So now when the opportunity next arises for you or I to “be there” for someone, do so with the firm conviction that in doing this you are actually the Real Presence of Christ to the other.