The Final Word: Suits you, sir

By Paul Moore

It is not often I find myself in agreement with Edwin Poots. Last week the speaker of the House had obviously had enough of his colleagues and gave them the proverbial dressing down for the state in which they turned up in the chamber. He reminded the MLAs that the dress code for the Assembly was ‘smart’ and suggested that “some of you have a very loose interpretation of smart and I would encourage members to dress smartly when it comes to the chamber.” He went on to point out that this did not necessarily mean shirts and ties but rather an ensemble which suggested they were up to doing the job. Ouch!

It reminded me of a difference of opinion I had with a female member of staff when I first came to work in Omagh. I had come from a large comprehensive school in Yorkshire where there were a large number of young teachers, many of them just graduated, and who invariably wore denims, a shirt and jacket (and sometimes even a tie). This woman took me to one side and informed me that the then principal did not like denims – she may have called them jeans – and she seemed stunned when I told her “thanks for letting me know, he doesn’t have to wear them then.” I never heard anymore about it from anyone, not even the jeans-hating principal.

The crux of the issue, however, was that we were always smart even when wearing jeans since not to be so would have been an insult, and disrespectful, to those we were teaching. This is where Speaker Poots has a case. It is disrespectful to both those one is in contact with each day and those one is representing if one just rolls up in whatever happened to be hanging on the chair that morning. I am told that some even turn up to debates wearing shorts. I have indicated before that no man over the age of 12 ought to be seen in public wearing shorts, whatever the weather, and I am coming to the same conclusion about women. This is grounded in seeing a number of women old enough to know better wearing, over the Christmas period, sparkling tops and leather shorts usually with tights and high-heeled shoes. I have never considered myself a prude but this is enough to turn one into the late Sir Ian Paisley never mind Edwin Poots.

Before someone tells me, I am aware that I do not always adhere to what people might consider dress code. I have developed ways to subvert the shirt and tie and even to reconfigure the suit so that it is almost impossible to suggest I am not dressed formally while at the same time turning up in get-ups which some would describe as ‘colourful’. Crucially I would argue, however, that the get-ups are well cut and presented as a respect for those I am working with. For the record these get-ups still include jeans.

So what is poor Edwin to do? I have a suggestion!

Since the majority of those in the house on the hill behave like children, a school uniform ought to be developed for the MLAs. Those from the nationalist benches should have an orange uniform and those form the unionist benches, green. They should both wear caps with a peak and one group should always wear the peak at the back. This is probably best suited to the unionist community since they are invariably looking backwards to the past.

As for Edwin, he needs to get a set of academic gowns and do as some of my former teachers did; tie a knot in the end of the gown full of ball bearings and give anyone not paying attention a swipe around the back of the head with them.

That will Poot manners on them.